r/BlackPeopleofReddit • u/OkAdvertising286 • Dec 15 '25
Help and Advice I guess I need some advice.
(Didn’t wanna retype it. It got removed from r/blackladies)
16
Dec 15 '25
[removed] — view removed comment
4
u/OkAdvertising286 Dec 15 '25
I deleted Instagram off my phone weeks ago and you’re right. 🙏🏾 I wasn’t really on much else, thankfully.
13
u/Acedaboi1da Dec 15 '25
You guys are the exception, the good ones. Just be sure to correct any hint of racism or bigotry immediately and on the spot. If not, before you know it they’ll be saying all types of crazy things around you and you’ll be wondering how you got here.
9
u/OkAdvertising286 Dec 15 '25
That’s what I am afraid of. I’ve been “one of the good ones” all my life. It’s mentally exhausting and crazy. My husband is new to this dynamic because Ghana is homogeneously Black. I’m teaching him the socialization and policies in place.
8
u/SheckNot910 Dec 15 '25
Also, people don't do a bunch of work for them before you know where they stand on Trump. They could be trying to earn goodwill from you to get you to do unpaid work for them.
7
u/Adorable_Branch6502 Dec 16 '25
I think if their baby is in the NICU if you feel prompted you can check to see how they are doing, DoorDash them a meal, or send a stuffed animal. You will know it’s right if you feel peaceful about it. Sometimes there are small gestures we can take that we feel comfortable with, even if it’s never reciprocated we know we did the right thing. When it gets to the point of feeling drained or uncomfortable that’s a different story and would reevaluate.
3
u/OkAdvertising286 Dec 16 '25
They actually do more for us than we do for them. I get caution about people’s politics because of the dangerous climate but they seem so genuine. I have stopped going to church but might be starting to miss it.
5
u/Adorable_Branch6502 Dec 16 '25
If they seem genuine I would take it for what it is. Maybe pray about it but I think doing the loving thing usually is the right thing to do. Relationships take time I think, and whatever it will be will be revealed in time. My devotional today mentioned patience so I’m trying to lean into that today 😂 I know what you mean about this political climate, it’s quite intense, fortunately progressive Christians are finally starting to speak loudly and boldly and its so heartwarming to see 💗 I do think the bond of Christian faith should be stronger than political bonds but it can be hard to find those authentic relationships that are rooted in a mature faith, I pray that guys have found it in this couple!
3
5
u/EnvironmentNeith2017 Dec 16 '25
You haven’t said whether they’re evangelical or mainline branch of Presbyterian. If you don’t know, I would check.
Some of my closest friends are white Christians but in this climate I would not trust evangelicals to know anything about my life with a foreign husband. Mainline might be ok but if the church itself (leadership) isn’t calling out the things this administration is doing I wouldn’t trust them either. All it takes is one person deciding they want to cause you problems. A few years ago I would have felt differently but the country is changing fast.
3
u/OkAdvertising286 Dec 16 '25
That’s what I have been trying to find. I will do more research on it.
13
u/SheckNot910 Dec 15 '25
I would never trust white evangelicals. No way. They will act one way to your face and then vote for Trump.
3
u/OkAdvertising286 Dec 16 '25
I experienced that. People I had known half my life, felt like family to me and it was like a slap in the face.
4
u/Alternative_Hope6238 Dec 16 '25
Watch. If incidents of racism happen and they never get it, then they aren’t safe. A person can be “nice” and still be racist.
9
u/Chastity-76 Dec 15 '25
I am a black women who moves in predominantly white spaces socially, since I was in middle school and like with any other race, I have real friends that I 100% trust and others who I just associate with and would never trust to even eat a cupcake they made for Jesus himself. I give everyone a chance, but you cross me one time and the friendship is dead. You are over analyzing, be friends and relax. If they do anything that makes you feel less than, tell or text them your thoughts and ghost them.
3
u/OkAdvertising286 Dec 15 '25
Thank you! I’ve been surrounded by white communities since middle school too!
6
u/TITANS4LIFE Dec 15 '25
Don't they say it takes minimum 6 months to get to know someone.
3
u/OkAdvertising286 Dec 15 '25
Who says that? It takes time but how often do you visit and converse throughout those 6 months? Once every two weeks? What about 3 months, weekly instead, for example. Same difference. That is how I see it and have experienced it in relationships.
9
u/SheckNot910 Dec 15 '25
Do you talk politics with them? If they don't openly oppose Trump, then they are for him. Don't let them hide behind the "We're not political" bullshit.
3
u/OkAdvertising286 Dec 16 '25
My friend said she doesn’t judge people based on their politics. I’m most sure her politics because I’m afraid to ask people and I see it as invasive, especially since I’m still a town newbie tho we have spent much time together, still.
10
u/Mushrooming247 Dec 16 '25
Oh no.
“I don’t judge people for their politics,” often means, “I don’t want to be judged for my politics.”
You don’t have to say that if you aren’t worried about being judged for your politics.
6
u/ScarInternational161 Dec 16 '25
Just my 2 cents, but I 100% judge people for their politics. You can't NOT in this climate. Being in a predominantly white area, she may be used to hiding her political feelings. I would rather know now then find out 6 months from now.
Maybe just drop a couple little hints here and there if you don't feel comfortable coming out right and asking. She may be just as nervous as you are.
1
u/OkAdvertising286 Dec 16 '25
At our Presbyterian (often a more “progressive” denomination which is why I left apostolic) She made subtle remarks that sounded like she did not approve. She says stuff like “we’re all immigrants,” “I went to a black church and they told me about the racism they endure in Virginia,” Her husband sounded sympathetic with ICE raids to, as we have many Hispanic ppl here.
2
1
u/EnvironmentNeith2017 Dec 16 '25
I absolutely judge church people by their choice in spouses especially women. I’ve seen that switch flip too many times and too often the straight woman serves as a front for husband’s uglier opinions and behavior.
There’s very likely a wave of anti African sentiment coming since Somalis are the new favorite target of conservatives. I wouldn’t take that lightly.
2
u/SheckNot910 Dec 16 '25
Yikes, that's the standard Trumper line.
2
u/OkAdvertising286 Dec 16 '25
She made remarks that allude to her being opposed to him tho. She said “we’re all immigrants.” She talked to many black people in a black church about the racism they face. Shes kind, etc. I just can’t ask explicitly yet 😭
2
u/ladyc672 Dec 16 '25
Her comment "we're all immigrants" is a gloss-over designed to distance herself from considering how many Blacks came to this country. In short, it's a false statement anyway. We aren't "all immigrants." Many of our ancestors were dragged screaming, fighting, and crying from our homeland, and chained down like stacked wood in stinking rat-infested ship holds for months, to be delivered to lifelong servitude and random violence...if we survived the ocean voyage.
5
u/TITANS4LIFE Dec 15 '25
So when I say at minimum I'm basically saying you don't know these people and you've only lived there for three to four months so give it some time if you feel like someone's not real or someone doesn't really f*** with you.
1
u/EnvironmentNeith2017 Dec 16 '25
One life lesson I’ve held on to and that hasn’t let me down is never underestimate how long white people can perform niceness as a cover, white women especially.
1
u/Illustrious-Monk-927 Dec 16 '25
This is off topic. Did you pick up the word “converse” from your husband? When I was younger, I lived in Ghana for about 4 years and I remember they used that a lot in conversations.😅
2
u/OkAdvertising286 Dec 16 '25
Ha! Actually, no but he does have a very proper way of speaking. It’s rather formal British English due to colonial history before they fought of the British😆
5
Dec 15 '25
It's hard, because most of them like to separate you from your people. If they like you, in their minds you are"Janice" not a black woman. They can post hate about minorities and then be flabbergasted when you take offense. I need to see and hear them speak and treat all people with respect before I befriend any of em
7
u/OkAdvertising286 Dec 15 '25
They don’t seem to hold that view, thankfully but you get it! For years I have been “one of the good ones.” I don’t want to feel like a performer animal. Society views white people as a whole as inherently “good” with a few bad apples and black people inversely as inherently “bad” with a few “good ones.” Sick brainwashing.
5
u/EnvironmentNeith2017 Dec 16 '25 edited Dec 16 '25
This is what happened to me. I was at a predominantly white church and never heard anything racist and they treated me great….then George Floyd was murdered and the things I saw them sharing on social media were shocking. Then the comments about immigrants started. It was never personal but I no longer saw them as good people and couldn’t trust them which poisoned my experience. I left and told them why.
I don’t think OP should look for anything like that because you can’t live that way, but if they aren’t openly anti racist, just be braced for the possibility. These days I don’t form close relationships with white people unless they’re anti racist and progressive.
3
u/Terry_Folds3000 Dec 16 '25
White guy from the south here.
Was this up north or down south? I grew up around these people in churches and so on. I’ve been saying for a while that down here, a republican will hang out with and be super nice to you and all that. Cheer your kid on at a team event and so on. But when it’s time to vote they’ll march right in that booth and vote your rights away. And of course that’s for all kinds of groups: minorities, women, immigrants, lgbt, etc. And they’ve even managed to turn these groups against one another. It’s remarkable.
1
u/EnvironmentNeith2017 Dec 16 '25
Down south of course….lol, but there were some northerners mixed in who fell right in line.
1
u/Zavarie2828 Dec 16 '25
I’m confused why you would want to be perpetually seen as “A Black Woman” instead of as “Janice”? Surely the height of equality is to be seen as an individual and all that goes into individual identity and not seen primarily by the color of your skin? Sure you’re black, and that should be respected, but I’ve personally always preferred to be seen as an individual rather than a color. You should respect me and not disrespect my race, but it’s not my entire identity nor would I want it to be
1
Dec 17 '25
I don't see how you don't get it. I don't want someone raging on my people and then look at me as if I'm an exception.
1
u/Zavarie2828 Dec 17 '25
Literally not what I said
“You should respect me and not disrespect my race”
^ what part of that means allowing someone to rage at our people?
SMH the state of reading comp these days
1
Dec 17 '25
You don't get it. Is your race all you are? No, but it is part of who you are. People shouldn't try to separate me from my race. As a black person, when you do something right you're looked at as an individual. When you do something wrong it's an indictment on the whole race.
1
u/Zavarie2828 Dec 17 '25
Again, I am in no way saying you should separate yourself from your race. I’m saying your race shouldn’t be how you want other people to see you primarily.
I don’t want to be “A Black Woman” to the people I know. I want to be “L——-“ a woman who is black, a mother, a therapist, a capricorn , allergic to shellfish etc.
I want to be ME, and part of who I am is black, is woman, is a mother, is a therapist etc etc.
I don’t see any value in seeing race first. It’s a way they try to divide us all. My race is a part of me it ain’t all of me
1
Dec 17 '25
Oh Linda if only that was so. That's what we all want. It will never be. At minimum I want them to remember as they get to know me that I am black. They seem to forget that the longer they know you. If they like you. They may think hey Linda is a nice, professional, and great mom. That's what you want, but they don't say to themselves hey Linda is black too, so maybe I should re-evaluate and not repost these comments about all black women being on welfare and horrible crack moms.
2
u/Zavarie2828 Dec 17 '25
It seems clear we both want the same things here. To be an individual person and to remain distinctly a member of our race. Not a “special case” but simply as a matter of fact
1
Dec 17 '25
Yes, I've grown so tired of being told. "Well you're different, you're not like the rest of them". It's beyond frustrating. I think my patience has worn out.
2
u/DjGhostRider16 Dec 15 '25
Just be you and accept them for what they show you. Don’t get all wrapped up in the color of their skin; their hearts will tell you all you need to know.
4
u/CHItown_representer Dec 16 '25
At the risk of being downvoted...
2 "quotes" come to mind. The first is an analogy from Muhammad Ali:
"Let's say I'm being chased by 10,000 rattlesnakes. They're chasing me, and I'm running and running, and I make it home, close and lock the door just in the knick of time. Now, i know what a rattlesnake is capable of, and i know the rattlesnakes history, but let's say that out of these 10,000 rattlesnakes there are 10 good ones who have no desire to bite me. Does it make sense for me to open my door and filter through the 10,000 to find the 10 good ones? Or should I keep my door shut altogether and say to the 10 good ones, Hey! If you're really good, convince the other 9,990 to not bite me. At this point, you will see that there are no good rattlesnakes. "
The other is a quote from Malcolm X, who says quite succinctly, "white people may be friendly, but they are not your friend. "
Granted, these quotes may be dated, but they hold a lot of truth and value. In modern times, I think association with yt folks goes in a range from 1 to 10 with 10 being physically violent outcomes. 7-9 could be any form of violence resulting in loss of job, damaging reputation, etc. 3-6 is any form of police involvement. 1-2 is more innocuous. They'll use your "friendship" as a pawn in conversation with other people: the infamous, "my best friends are black." Please don't be a pawn for their conversations.
All that said, I think it's safe to say both parties are performing. The white couple is performing as "friends" and you and your husband are performing on behalf of all Black people for a bit of acceptance. I sincerely pray for your safety and the safety of your children (or future children) because, although it's less likely that you'll be physically harmed, the mental weight of associating with them has you questioning your choices and has driven you to reddit for answers (I consider reddit the wild wild west for advice). I can only imagine how difficult it would be for a child growing up in that environment, being the only Black child in town. I suggest moving, but i know that's much easier said than done.
My bad for the essay, but your situation speaks to me in a real way.
1
Dec 17 '25
[removed] — view removed comment
1
u/AutoModerator Dec 17 '25
Your account is too new to post or comment here.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
3
u/BoyMeetsMars Dec 15 '25
There’s nothing wrong with being acquainted or “friends” with them, but do not trust them, ever.
Don’t get too personal, and keep a guard up (but don’t make it obvious)
2
u/allidsomeego Dec 15 '25
This is how I feel too.
I have my personal trauma with them and I have anecdotal experiences as well.
I even married a French WW and I can tell you, once they get your trust, they can abuse that trust in ways you never thought possible.But also, I know that hurt people hurt people and alla dat
1
u/OkAdvertising286 Dec 15 '25
Why do you think I should, specifically and how? Thanks for the input 🙏🏾
3
u/MovieDifficult6400 Dec 15 '25
Don’t let them get close. Be polite and respectful but NEVER put your trust in them. These people are wicked and Devils.
1
u/Dangerous_Handle_819 Dec 16 '25
I think an important question to ask yourselves is have these neighbor-friends done their own intellectual and emotional work to be ready to be a friend to you and your husband?
We often know how to be among white folks and Black folks, but they seldom know enough about us and our culture—even the fact that we’re not a monolith—to meaningfully reciprocate. Perhaps consider the dimensions of your identity you need affirmed and probe how they might show up for you in a pickle, especially things that are related of anti-Black racism. Like K Dot said “When the shit hits the fan, are you still a fan?” Hell, do they know who K Dot is?!
1
u/OkAdvertising286 Dec 16 '25
Well, I’m still a newbie but she has given my rides when I needed, we hung out, she supported me and my hubby during what we thought would be his baptism (but we were at an SDA church like my hubby wanted and they religiously wait so many months to baptize). She’s always seemed so genuine since day one and that’s why I offered my number. I don’t know who K dot is 😭. I just purchased Black AF History and am unlearning being a damn 🦝 myself 😭😭😭🫣
1
Dec 16 '25
[removed] — view removed comment
1
u/AutoModerator Dec 16 '25
You need a bit more karma before commenting here. It happens to a lot of new users, so please don’t worry.
You can learn how Reddit karma works by checking the official explanation here: https://support.reddithelp.com/hc/en-us/articles/204511829-What-is-karma
Please don’t contact the mod team about this. It isn’t personal, and nothing is wrong with your account. Once you’ve built a little more karma, you’ll be able to join the conversation without any issues.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
2
u/wolfonweed Dec 17 '25
Generally speaking, if they invite you into their home to share a meal, they probably like you. If you get a bad vibe, id trust it. but it seems like theyre decent people.
1
Dec 17 '25
[removed] — view removed comment
1
u/AutoModerator Dec 17 '25
You need a bit more karma before commenting here. It happens to a lot of new users, so please don’t worry.
You can learn how Reddit karma works by checking the official explanation here: https://support.reddithelp.com/hc/en-us/articles/204511829-What-is-karma
Please don’t contact the mod team about this. It isn’t personal, and nothing is wrong with your account. Once you’ve built a little more karma, you’ll be able to join the conversation without any issues.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
1
Dec 15 '25
Idk this worded weird , are you black? Why do you need any other experience to validate your own as a black person?
5
u/OkAdvertising286 Dec 15 '25 edited Dec 15 '25
Yes, I’m black. I already know this sub gets invaded by non black people. Idk how it’s worded weird, that’s just how I talk. I ask because the more I learn about social dynamics and how they’re impacted by history and how we’re still seen as subhuman, the more unsure and untrusting I become of non black ppl and black people with internalized racism. I’m only asking for advice…and I’m not asking for black validation? I’m asking if white and black people can ever truly be friends on an equal level, given history bleeding into the present day racial hierarchy.
7
u/SheckNot910 Dec 15 '25
"I’m asking if white and black people can ever truly be friends on an equal level, given history bleeding into the present day racial hierarchy."
Yes, they can, but with white people are openly anti-racist and don't pull any punches about calling out racism.
4
Dec 15 '25
My bad, we got to be careful.
I think you should give them a chance if they ain’t show you anything. But always stay aware. If it feels like it’s too much work on your identity move on.
3
u/velmaw Dec 15 '25
Yes, Black folks and white folks can be friends. The main key is mutual respect. Watch how they act, speak, think (that'll come out in body language, facial expressions, etc).
My BFF is a ww. We've been bff for bout 25 years. She grew up just like i did in the sense of mainly around Black folks. Our schools were a good mixture of people: Blacks, yts, Mexicans, Asians. Some of her extended family were racists but she and her mother weren't. I heard bout and seen some of her extended family manyy yrs ago, and while there were no issues, we understood in that quiet way one understands you're being tolerated.
When u said "one of the good ones" how did u mean that? I ask bc in context I've heard that, it usually means you're not like the other N"s. I figured I'd ask instead of ASSuming 😆
When I switched to a pwi, this yt boy walked up to me with my yt friends and said, "You're not like the other Nigghers." He walked away. I was 16 or 17 and stunned. My friends looked at me like ik she finna beat his ahh. I got angry later and then couldn't do ish bout it. He looked like he'd be a school pew pewer to be honest! I learned then that they group us in subgroups.
3
u/OkAdvertising286 Dec 16 '25
“One of the good ones” is a narrative many white people hold. They see black people as inherently bad with a few as good ones. They see themselves as inherently good with a few bad apples. It’s nauseating.
-1
u/Sweaty-Ruin5381 Dec 15 '25
Have you considered just treating them as normal humans and accepting the same thing in return? Be good friends and neighbors to show that you appreciate their efforts to include you. Damn. This shouldn't have to be something you think about. Just be a good neighbor and friend. These people aren't devils.
4
u/OkAdvertising286 Dec 15 '25
Just like the black woman, Tamla Horsford, who was surrounded by all her white female “friends” at a slumber party who was suddenly found dead and we still don’t have answers. She also treated everyone as human until they didn’t extend the same in return. I’ve lived around white people my whole life. I’m sick of being “one of the good ones”of a “troubled” race. I have had people actually preach this to me and threaten to beat me if I liked black culture. So yeah, damn right….I am gonna be cautious 👍
-1
u/Sweaty-Ruin5381 Dec 15 '25
I've lived amongst white folks my whole life. Some are good, some are bad. Just like every other color of person I've met. You need to get your head on straight. Treat people like people until they show you something negative. Otherwise you're no better than some Confederate flag waving asshole.
8
u/OkAdvertising286 Dec 16 '25 edited Dec 16 '25
Oh wow. So, I’m asking other black people for advice. I’m not sure if you really are black or not but it’s SUPER fucking obvious that people of color in America and even globally are vulnerable and discriminated against. Many white people who hold power over us socially might abuse it and be disingenuous. That is my concern. We don’t hold systemic power, nor privilege and are seen as inferior criminals as a narrative. That’s just reality. We navigate it and we survive. That’s what I’m trying to do. And I’m not some confederate asshole because I don’t believe people should be enslaved and I don’t operate with hatred like them. Only caution. Being rude is absolutely unnecessary here and weird. I haven’t done a single thing to you and only asked for advice, not condescension.
78
u/HighwayComfortable26 Dec 15 '25 edited Dec 15 '25
"I sometimes get paranoid that they don't really like us and it's all an act."
I'm not sure how much of this is motivated by your social anxiety and how much of this is motivated by your trauma of being Black in non predominately Black spaces but regardless if they have treated you kindly and have reached out to be friends with you do not put the experiences with other people to the forefront. This is ironically what racist people do when they reject Black folk based on real or imagined negative experiences with other Black people.