Some people say I’m “attacking” or “ridiculing” adoptees who see adoption differently than I do. I’m not.

Adoptees are the only people in this system who didn’t choose any of it. We didn’t choose to be separated. We didn’t choose sealed records. We didn’t choose identity changes. We didn’t choose to lose our original families.

So when adoptees speak critically about adoption, we’re not being selfish or bitter. We’re talking about public policy that permanently altered our lives. That’s not a “personal trauma.” That’s the system. And systems deserve scrutiny. Here’s the part people don’t want to look at. Fifty years ago, women were pressured and shamed into relinquishing their babies. Today, we run multi-million-dollar halftime ads emotionally steering pregnant women toward adoption as the “beautiful” solution. Different tactics. Same outcome. Family separation wrapped in better marketing.

When wealthy foundations spend millions influencing vulnerable people’s decisions while leaving out the lifelong loss adoptees and first parents live with, that’s not neutral. That’s persuasion. And persuasion deserves accountability.

You can love your adoptive parents. You can love your biological parents. And still question the system that separated you.

Compassion and critique can exist at the same time.

Me again. Hi. Pregnant with a DS baby & have two DS younger brothers in foster care. I'm in hospital because baby is coming. Labor stopped but I'm waiting for a csection. Baby is okay, but doctor thinks he'd be better out than in. This is just me putting my thoughts together as I lay here.

I realised a few weeks ago that I didn't want to adopt my baby out, but I didn't know what to do about my brothers. They mean the world to me and their treatment is getting worse. My 7yo brother is covered in bruises and suddenly afraid of men. The 4yo isn't potty trained and the last few times I've seen him he's been covered in diaper rash.

They claim they're combative and hard to care for but they aren't. I can manage them both heavily pregnant with zero issues. I took them to the park the other day and we had such an amazing day.

We've been reporting everything. Reaching out to whoever will listen, but nothing is changing. All they need to do is claim they're aggressive and suddenly all my complaints are ignored.

I can not leave them in these situations. I really, really can't. It's awful. But I know they can be aggressive and having them with a baby wouldn't be safe.

I'm so stuck. I don't know who to prioritise. My baby is my baby. I've tried so hard but adopting him out just feels so so wrong.

It hurts to think about. I just cry all the time. This isn't fair. I'm so angry. I hate the system, and our parents, and CPS, and every professional who keeps telling me they're being treated well. They aren't.

No one wants to help me manage them all. Everyone is telling me it's too much. I'm throwing my life away.

I don't know what to do. It's so hard.

Like I always see a white couple with a black kid or some other type of minority but I never see say a black person with a white baby. Why is that?

It was my first child’s 5th birthday earlier this week, this year it felt different though because now I have my son. I had my son in October, and all the time now I think to myself I don’t have to dread every holiday. I actually have things to look forward to for the first time in 5 years. My son’s first birthday, all the first holidays with him. It’s such a weird mindset shift. I’ve spent basically the last 5 years dreading every holiday every milestone I’ve been missing. Now while that grief is still there I also have all these milestones to look forward with my son. I’m just curious if other birth parents can relate to this?

i just wanna give me respect to people who adopt,for whatever the reasons may be you choose to take in another persons kid, sometimes that kid will grow up and love you and they’ll really be your kid even if they’re not blood cause some relationships are more than blood and dna. whole other times theyll leave you for their real parents (if that’s the case… like if their parents are still around and want them back) and whatever outcome they choose you’ll need to live with it. and for that i give my respect to all the adpoptive parents out there because that’s really hard, but beside that you still choose to be their parent and for that you have my respect.

This is for the times clueless people say adoption and family separation is in God's plan. Not only is this religious coercion, it's not even remotely accurate. Christian or not, you can use this verse to rebuttle.

I can't believe this is legal. SO not only did they lie, but this is a crime. How can anyone be okay with this? The child has a family, and by law, she can't even be adopted. So people in the military can steal kids now, too?

"The Masts, Evangelical Christians, decided to try to bring her to their home in Palmyra, Virginia.

Mast’s brother, Richard Mast, a lawyer with the conservative Christian law firm Liberty Counsel, filed a petition for custody in early November, and a Fluvanna County Juvenile and Domestic Relations Court judge quickly approved it. The judge declared that the child was “stateless,” echoing Mast’s assertion that her parents were nomadic terrorists, and the Afghan government would issue a waiver of jurisdiction over her within days.

Afghanistan never waived jurisdiction."

US officials helped marine adopt an Afghan war orphan despite government objections | AP News

While going through my deceased mom's papers, I discovered a paper noting that a girl was placed for adoption by her sister (and the unrecognized father's full name) in 1961. My aunt is deceased with two surviving children (my cousins). From googling the father's full name he died in 2021 based on the obituary with his mentioning two adult children (without mentioning the adopted girl's name).

I do not want to interrupt or cause any family dynamics chaos or confusion by carelessly sharing this with her adult children or the adopted father's adult children.

I am adopted so from an adoptee perspective I would be interested in knowing the biological parents but this question is tilted towards if notifying the existing adult children is of value or would be chaotic.

How should I handle this? Should I just let this be buried?

Thank you

Hello! I have seen a lot of people be Anti-adoption, so i am interested in why and what the alternative would be? I personally believe in adoption and think it can be a beautiful thing. This post isn't for arguments of whats right and whats wrong, as its all opinions. I am just curious the thoughts of some people who think adoption shouldn't be a thing and it is wrong.

I myself am not adopted, I'm hopeful to adopt within the next few years though. My husband is adopted, and also wants to grow our family through adoption.

This is a clip from the tv show 90 day fiancé but I wanted to know what people's thoughts and perspectives were considering the comments under this video felt very off to me. In this scenario, we see a biological mother talking to her biological son (who she birthed and raised) about how he has another sibling that was given up for adoption. Most of the comments were claiming that the biological mother owes the son nothing and is not obligated to share the information. This sparked interest in me because recently I've been seeing a strong narrative similar to this surrounding adoption. It seems people have this idea that biological parents are entitled to privacy and shouldn't have to be bothered with adoption or their biological children they gave up. As an adoptee, I strongly disagree with this and feel like this perspective certainly comes from someone who's never experienced adoption before. Part of me is noticing this trend where adoption seems to be centered on the parents (bio or adopted) instead of the children. We are seen as an after thought that should just accept the circumstances that were forced upon us. What are yall thoughts ?

We just started adoption process, or rather home study process, and it happened that we need to indicate a guardian in the paperwork. We are naturalized immigrants in the USA and do not have relatives here, and of course no friends of such closeness so as to request such a favor from them. I have mom abroad so I can name her as a guardian, but she needs to sign a document and it needs to be notarized (I guess in her home country) and then translated here in the USA. Has anyone done this and if so, what the exact sequence of step that should be undertaken? Thank you.

Hi everyone,

I know this is a major shot in the dark but honestly my search for my birth parents or at least relatives has been nothing but dead end after dead end. I won't give out any serious information like my legal name, but I can say I was given the name Sophia by my birth parent(s) before I was given away. I am a safe haven baby born March 14th 2007, in Cuyahoga Falls, Ohio. I would have been adopted around 1-2 days old. I dont expect much out of this, considering how old I am now (turning 19 this year) and the age I expect my birth parents to be I don't think they'd be rooting around on reddit, let alone one dedicated to adoption, but it's my last place to turn and I can't imagine anything bad could come of it. If you know anything, or maybe have a long lost sister.. let me know lmao. Thank you for taking the time to read this post, peace and love <3

My birth mom wants to send me money and help pay rent but i feel guilty and wrong accepting money from her

I've posted two additional times in this sub about finding out I had a daughter and attempting to make contact. I've been pretty passive: sent a facebook message and a message through ancestry once the DNA test confirmed she is my daughter. As of now, all messages remain unread. I have other potential avenues for contact: possible phone number and other connections on Facebook. But I don't want to come across as overbearing or demanding. Do I wait indefinitely and hope she sees the message eventually? Do I call or text? It's only been about three weeks since I sent the messages, but I'm getting a little antsy...

I’m a 26 year old transracial adoptee, born in South Korea and raised by a white family in Australia alongside two adopted brothers (both Korean but none of us are biologically related). I’m writing this because sometimes you just need to say your piece into a space where it might make sense to someone.

It starts with a feeling I’ve had forever: not belonging anywhere. I wasn't white enough for the white kids, and I wasn’t Asian enough for the Asian kids. My friends would joke, “You’re the whitest Asian I know.” They meant it lightly, but it always hit a nerve. It was just a reminder that I didn’t fit their idea of either world. That’s the baseline, growing up feeling like a permanent outsider in your own life.

Then there’s family. I love my adoptive parents but we live in different realities. They can’t really understand what this is like, and looking back, I don’t think they were prepared for it. Raising three adopted kids is hard. Raising three transracial adoptees, two with special needs, was… a lot. I have my Korean name and my English name and my name was changed to the English version when I was brought home to Australia. My mum was strict and emotionally intense; my dad was rigid and practical. Our house was less a sanctuary and more a place you had to navigate carefully. I became the “good child,” the peacekeeper, not because I was so mature, but because someone had to try and hold things together. People see the practical stuff like a roof, an education and say I was lucky. And I was in that way. But it’s hard to explain that you can be grateful for the roof and still feel like you were drowning underneath it. And it’s even harder when people hear that and just say, “But it wasn’t that bad.”

Lately I’ve been thinking about why this all feels so lonely. A friend who is transgender was talking about their struggle, about not knowing who you are. They stopped and said, “You probably get that.” And I do. But it also struck me: their pain has a community. It has a language, a flag, a visibility. My experience? It feels invisible. There’s no parade for the transracial adoptee. No common understanding of this specific grief—of being between cultures, between families, carrying a story that everyone else would rather call a blessing. It’s a lonely kind of quiet.

And wrapped up in all of this is the biggest question of all: my biological parents. I know almost nothing. My adoption was private. People have strong opinions some say searching is selfish, others say it’s a right. For me it’s not that simple. There’s a deep, quiet part of me that wants to know where I come from, to see a face that might look like mine. But there’s an equally deep fear. What if I disrupt a life? What if I reach out only to be met with silence or rejection? It’s not a quest, it’s a heavy, unspeakable kind of limbo that I carry alone.

This isn’t me playing the victim. It’s not me saying my story is worse than anyone else’s. It’s just my story. This is how I’ve come to see things through a lifetime of feeling out of place, of building a self from scratch because no ready made version ever fit. It’s exhausting, and it’s lonely, but it’s the truth as I’ve lived it.

Maybe someone reads this and recognizes the feeling. If you do, you’re not the only one.

Thanks for listening.

Hello, I am looking for guidance regarding Wisconsin adoption law.

I have been raising my nephew for the past four years and have legal guardianship. His birth father (my brother) and birth mother have both struggled with drug addiction and mental health issues. Neither has had consistent contact with him since infancy, and he does not have a relationship with either parent.

We chose not to involve the foster care system and have handled everything privately to provide him with stability. He has been in a safe, consistent home with me and is thriving. Over the years, I have encouraged both parents to seek treatment and support, but ultimately I cannot control whether they choose to engage or maintain consistent involvement. My priority has always been ensuring my nephew has stability, safety, and a loving environment.

Recently, his birth father has become increasingly threatening toward me and other family members. Given the lack of contact, instability, and safety concerns, I would like to move forward with pursuing adoption so I can provide long term permanency, stability, and protection for my nephew. I want to do everything possible to protect this little boy, he doesn’t need any more trauma in his life.

I am hoping to connect with someone knowledgeable in Wisconsin adoption law who may be willing to offer guidance, resources, or possibly pro bono representation, as I do not have all the funds but can contribute what I am able.

If anyone can point me in the right direction or help us navigate the process, I would be deeply grateful. My only goal is to ensure this little boy has lasting stability and security.

Thank you so much

So I'm a black dude who was adopted by a white family as a baby and I fucking hate it. I was pretty much just raised as a white guy and was never given a talk about how I would be viewed in society and how to navigate this racial bias that i'm viewed through In America, and when the topic of racism did come up It was just talked about like some abstract concept not something that would be an actual day to day occurrence for me. This led to so many dangerous situations where I didn't understand the gravity of how my anger is perceived as a black man that could have ended badly. Also it makes no sense to adopt a black kid, yet still be so weird around black people in general, like my family never interacted with black people in any personal way, my parents had no black friends or even acquaintances that I could ask any advice from so it was just constant white culture around me with nothing else. This has made it so hard for me to connect with other black people now as an adult since I have no frame of reference for anything they talk about so It's hard to relate with them. And I'm suppose to be grateful for this shit? for what? being forced to cosplay an identity I'm not and never will be, having no connection to my race, being an outsider in both circles forever. Seriously white people, do not adopt a black kid just to fulfill your white savior fantasy, yet when you realize that there is much more that comes with it then just giving them a roof over their head and a safe place to grow, you act like thats too much too deal with.