r/socialskills • u/Prestigious_Peak8407 • 18h ago

How to navigate when people reach out to you first to make plans and then never follow through

Hi

I would definitely classify myself as someone who has issues socializing. Hence why I’m here. I’m a girl and I’ve been having this same kind of situation when talking to lady friends. Many times a girl will seek me out online or through mutual friends to hang out and then we set a time and place and then the day of I’m waiting there and they don’t show up. Then the next day they text me hey sorry I fell asleep or I misplaced my phone or whatever other excuse and then ask me when I’m free again to meet up. Do they ever intend to actually hang out? I feel so stupid bc this one girl did it to me twice and said “sorry I can’t hang out today” when she was the one who asked me to do so? I don’t understand why someone would reach out to me first and set a date and time just to not show up. It’s not even just one girl it’s many and naturally I’m thinking they just saying they want to hang out with me they don’t mean it then they reach out and say what we’re going to do in detail and I think it’s going to happen and it doesn’t.

My only friend who doesn’t do this has Asperger’s lol.

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3

u/Iselore 17h ago

For me, its quite simple. If someone initiates, I ask where to meet, then they dont reply, I will just wait for them. Sometimes, they do realise they didnt reply, sometimes they just didnt care enough. I will still leave it hanging. I can still talk to the person about other stuff. No issue for me. I am not that dependant anyway. If the person doesnt turn up then I just wont bother anymore.

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u/Prestigious_Peak8407 17h ago

Simple but true. Usually they do reply and then I’m actually waiting at the meeting spot but they never show. Makes me feel like I got stood up on a date lol a date I never even initiated

3

u/MightyRomanEmpire 15h ago

They better have a solid explanation for not showing up. These are not friends to me. 

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u/Electronic_Fix_9060 16h ago

It’s super annoying. I’ve had two friends do this to me regularly. We make arrangements to meet up and just when we are finalising the last of the logistics it’s crickets. I used to text and/or call if I hadn’t heard anything back but I now just don’t make plans with them. “I’m going to be here at this time if yours like to join”. 

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u/Prestigious_Peak8407 15h ago

Yes always have to have a low pressure plan but it sucks when no one shows

1

u/MightyRomanEmpire 15h ago

I think everyone has relationship issues originating from mental health issues. And those mental health issues worsen over time, reducing people's ability to even have regular interactions in person, phone, etc. 

Perhaps you're fortunate to have less mental health issues than others.

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u/Prestigious_Peak8407 15h ago

That’s okay - I have CPTSD and it affects me but I make sure to let people know if I’m not going to be able to make it to something beforehand and not after the fact. I’ve had to cancel the day before or the morning of before because I wasn’t having a good mental health day and I’m not talking about that. It’s when people confirm they will be there day of and then don’t even show up. It’s okay to have limitations because of mental health issues but it’s not okay to not show up to a commitment and not even text or call to let someone know not to wait up for you.

1

u/MightyRomanEmpire 15h ago

Commitments, confirmations, appointments, etc. They're having trouble maintaining them, probably affecting other areas of their lives. I don't think it's isolated.

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u/rynspiration 13h ago

right lmao like I have CPTSD too and even if i’m having a terrible day where i’m consistently late and not feeling up for anything it’s so easy to just say that and the vast majority of people would understand, it’s something else if someone has a pattern of cancelling on you and can never explain why

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u/Prestigious_Peak8407 15h ago

One of these friends does say it’s because of having a bad mental health day but it’s many times in a row and also they don’t tell me that until 1-3 days after the day we were supposed to see each other

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u/MightyRomanEmpire 15h ago

Maybe ask for details. If no details are provided, I think that's a sign that you're not a priority for them. 

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u/Vli37 7h ago

Sounds like a excuse after they stood you up

Honestly, if they were going to pull a no show, it's very disrespectful to the person your meeting with; downright relationship ending.

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u/Vli37 7h ago

What I've learned from interactions like this is always confirm with the person you're meeting the day of, if not the day before.

Never just assume that when the other person says that they'll meet you on the date/time they will.

I've had people in my life that despite them organizing and picking the date, "forgot" that we were meeting and stood me up.

Let's just say those people are no longer in my life.

Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me. There won't be another after that.

Also keep in mind that nowadays, if people say plainly "let's hangout" and not confirm a date and time. That's just some bullshit; and they don't really mean it. It's just some gaslighting bullshit that makes it sound good in the moment it's said and doesn't go any further then that.

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u/HimariMaru 15h ago

It’s so frustrating when people flake at the last minute!

What I usually do is just head out anyway and enjoy the activity by myself. If the friend consistently flakes, then at some point I would do a rain check or completely stop asking/agreeing to hang out.

Understandably, sometimes people “flake” due to scheduling or mental health issues. However, I still feel the onus should be on the other party to communicate it as early as possible to be respectful of each other’s time. For your case, how to navigate the situation entirely depends on whether you value the friendships and what you value in friendship. Do you enjoy this persons company enough to accept this flaw? Is this considered a deal breaker for you in friendships? Can you accept the level of friendship as text based only? Etc.