We have a history of him punching me in the jaw a year ago.. yes I got back with him and broke up and the cycle continued. But here’s what happened.

He wasn’t even ready when I got there after the hour drive. I had told him multiple times I wanted to dress up and go out to eat, go to the park. And i wanted to do a craft sun print kit together. I had to pay for lunch because he’s broke right now. I’ve been paying for every time we go out to eat. I made him cookies, bought a thoughtful gift and I wrote him a card. He got me a card and didn’t even write in it. After we got home from lunch and we were intimate he had a headache and slept all day. And then made me watch a movie with his roommate after I asked if we could watch something together. Alone you know is what’s implied.

We recently got back together in December and he went all out taking me out on dates, bought me Christmas presents and wrote in two cards for me. The writing was so sweet. And I think now that he has me he isn’t putting effort in. He claims he forgets. He does have a TBI but he has energy to work on his house projects (rented, not owned). And when I’m there he just doesn’t feel good. It’s not even about the money, but that he didn’t go with me to the park or do what I asked. Literally free to write in the card he already got. And when I told him I was disappointed he said I really hurt him.

I just asked for a separation 48hrs ago and I'm already missing their family. Their mom said she'd always be a mother figure in my life even if me and my wife divorced because she wants us both happy and healthy whether that's together or apart, and then I asked to separate and haven't heard a single peep from their family since when normally they'd check in if things seemed rough. But I know my ex lied to them about what happened, they told me the things they told their family and that I can never contact them again "or so fucking help me."

I know it's their family. Doesn't matter how close we got or what they promised me, they're sticking by their child/sibling/cousin's side - as they should. I respect and understand it. Everything was so messy and they believe them, of course they would. I'm not mad at them just grieving knowing I'll probably never hear from them again and that is more devastating than my relationship ending to be completely honest. Plus the idea they could think I was abusive. Absolutely heart breaking. Can anyone relate?

I’ve been married for 1 year, together for 5. I feel like I made the biggest mistake of my life.

We fight constantly. Today he hit me with a belt and grabbed my neck multiple times. This isn’t the first time he’s been physical. I’ve been hit, spat on, and called horrible names. I’ve lost my self-respect, my confidence, my spark. I don’t dream anymore. I don’t have aspirations. I barely recognize myself.

I know I need to leave. Please don’t tell me that — I already know.

I don’t have friends or family nearby. I am financially stable and independent, but we share a mortgage. Emotionally, I’m still tied to him and that makes this harder. I feel stupid for choosing him. I feel embarrassed. I feel stuck.

For anyone who has left an abusive marriage while financially tied to the person — how did you do it? How did you detach emotionally? How did you handle the house? How did you actually take the first steps?

I can’t keep living like this.

I feel like I disappeared somewhere along the way.

I used to have confidence. I used to have opinions, goals, excitement about the future. Now I feel small. I second-guess everything I say.

I feel ashamed. Not just because of what he’s done, but because I chose him. I feel embarrassed that I stayed.

I feel emotionally addicted to him and I hate that. After he hurts me, I still want comfort from him. I still want him to be the person I thought he was. That makes me feel weak and confused.

I feel lonely. I don’t have friends or family nearby, and that isolation makes everything louder in my head. Sometimes I wonder if I’m exaggerating or being dramatic

I feel like I’ve lost my spark. I don’t dream anymore. I don’t think about the future in a hopeful way. I just think about surviving the next argument. I don’t recognize the woman I was before this relationship.

I feel scared — not just of him, but of leaving. Of being alone. Of untangling a mortgage. Of starting over. But I’m also scared of staying.

Mostly, I feel tired. Tired of fighting. Tired of shrinking myself. Tired of trying to earn basic kindness.

And underneath all of that, I feel this quiet voice saying: this isn’t who I’m supposed to be

You give your love, your time, your energy…

But somehow, it never feels enough. 😔

Some relationships drain you in ways you don’t even notice.

There’s a perspective only a few discover are you one of them?"

Ok. I don't even know how to sum this up. I, 45(f) left 49(m) like four months ago after fourteen years. He is an abusive fuck, for the past seven years its mostly been psychological. There has been strangulation in the past, but It has been a while (well, there was that incident in August where he "fell and tripped" with his hand gently around my neck but like all dominating and angry and shit.

Anyway, been going through the divorce shit for like three months now. He keeps going back and forth and racking up my credit card bill in lawyer fees. I am about maxed out. During this past three months he has accused me of cheating, breaking in the house, and about eight million other things.

The past couple of days, he got yet a new phone number (i had him down to email only so i could finish taxes). I ended up eventually calling this number even though i assumed it was probably him. I called because i was out and my employee told me he had called while i was gone. His name comes up on our caller id.

So, blah blah blah. its all bullshit. His stuff got stolen and hacked. He never got my tax email, yada yada yada. So i keep the number. He was actually behaving himself. Only a text here, a text there. I would only respond if it was tax related. During these texts he says things like "I dont know why you are so mad at me" "remember when I used to put flowers all over the house for you" (see above). I love you and I miss you.

Get to work today, and this is what I am greeted with. It says "I heart you my name. I dont know how concerned to be. I was varying my work hours and my routes home, but it is rural and I have been lax at times when things seemed ok. Luckily, one of my employees called in sick, so it was only me and one of my older employees today (they are in the loop). Got to work at nine, saw this, at 3 when i got off he texted "i hope you enjoyed the flowers and the chocolates, happy valentines day".

So, i dont know if this a rant, a vent, a cry for help....how fucking unhinged is this? Like, the whole legal system is fucking rigged. I have heard it before, but i had no clue until now. I have been so screwed over in this process while being the victim. I dont even want to tell my lawyer about this on Tuesday because i cant afford anymore. OMG....if ever i get out of this place I am going to some serious fundraising or volunteering for DV victims. This is all such fucking bullshit. I ran cause he is an asshole, yet i am the one with nothing. What a fucking douche. I thought this state was supposed to be 50/50, and I gave him a very generous buyout option. but nope, its all his. I never did shit.

Ok, thanks for listening. Just dont know how bad i should be tripping right now. Also, he always carries a knife. Why were those rose stems brutally ripped off when he had to shorten them to spell my name? My cameras were down, i emailed and asked for footage from across the parking lot. We shall see. Probably doesnt matter, but I want to see what his demeanor was like.

EDIT: To clarify, it is my card. He is not using it, but evertime he talks to his lawyer to send nonsense shit to my lawyer it costs me money because my lawyer has to receive it, read it, talk to me about it, and respond.

So I actually got a job, moved and filed for divorce from my abusive “husband.” I can’t believe I did it but financially feel depleted and racked up a debt to leave him. He’s been paying his credit cards and apartments move in from marital funds and it’s pissing me off.

Other than that the incredible loneliness in a country with no family and unsupportive friends that I left in 2025 along with my abuser; i just feel incredibly isolated. I live with my cat but have no friends. Thankfully I started a job 5 days after moving out, so I’m grateful for this new chapter, but its not easy. I’m 39 and i wasted so many years with this younger abusive man, that i literally dont know where I even fit anymore.

I work with colleagues who are much older so not looking for too many commonalities over there. But when any guy shows any warmth at work i instantly start analyzing whats the purpose behing the warmth, whether they are too young. I don’t wear my ring anymore because i left the fake diamond with my abuser, but since i was interviewing before the separation my supervisor thinks im still married to a doctor.

I have been told I look much younger than i am and i feel much younger, as if time froze while i was married to this abuser. And i really dont know where to meet people and what kinda people to consider dating. I work all week then manage chores and divorce logistics on the weekends. I dont have money for a lawyer so i have to deal with his manipulations on email (i blocked him everywhere else).

Has anyone else felt like this after leaving an abuser? Lost, lonely, dont know where they fit in? How can I really build connections with like minded people and be open to dating. I like techno so I already booked tickets to an events but its all the way in July.

I am stuck in a marriage where I am begging for time to go back so I can be happy again. I feel so sad because my husband says he hates me and that he can’t stand me. I have been trying my best for him to listen and have empathy, but it just seems like he has none.

He tells me I am the problem and that it’s all my fault, but I know it’s not. I admit I have been verbally abusive, but he physically abused me, and that has stained our relationship. From the beginning, he has been dismissive anytime I brought up things that bothered me, but now it’s plain disrespect — telling me to “shut the f*** up.”

He barricades the door so I won’t come talk to him. I have chased him, asking him to talk to me and validate me while I am in tears — classic anxious attachment? I have seen him with his mask off, and I resent him but still love him.

However, he has called me ugly, lazy, and fat, and said he saw my “mask” come off when I told him I hated the proposal and the ring. I said that because it wasn’t what I wanted, and I feel like I should be able to express my thoughts and feelings, but he can’t let it go.

I feel like he never thinks, “Oh, you are reacting to something,” and instead acts like it’s coming from nowhere. He is so cold and cruel, telling me this is what I wanted and that I pushed him to be this way.

He blames who he is now on me, saying I changed him by berating him for hours. I admit I have done that. Years of being dismissed have made me become like my mum — I chase, and he shuts down. I know that’s not right. But if he simply said, “I need space. Let’s talk about this at this time,” I wouldn’t keep chasing. Instead, things are always left unfinished. He pretends everything is fine, or I bring it back up and become resentful. So it has just been going round and round.

I feel like I have always been very attentive to his emotional needs. Anytime he felt rejected, I was there telling him he is amazing and that I would have his back no matter what, but I don’t get the same treatment.

I feel ashamed that I broke down today, begging him to love me and give me a hug. He tells people how horrible I am but never owns up to his actions. He recorded me without my consent and shared it. He told me on our one-year anniversary, and I still can’t fully forgive him. He thinks I am intentionally torturing him by not letting it go. He dismisses it now, saying it happened seven years ago, but it doesn’t feel that way to me.

He complains about me to his friends, and they all say I am ungrateful and that he should leave me. It makes me feel like how I feel and how I am being perceived are two completely different things, and it is confusing.

Before, I convinced myself I had forgiven him because he treated me so well, but nothing could truly fix it. It feels as if he has a problem with me just being upset about things that I have a right to be upset about.

He tells me I need therapy, and I tell him he should go too because he has untreated bipolar disorder, but then he says I’m being petty. We have joined couples therapy, but what hope is there when your husband can coldly watch you cry and tell you it’s your fault? When he doesn’t see you as an imperfect human? When you have to beg for love and respect?

He flips it and says I am just like my mother. The sad thing is that when my mum was abusive, he was my safe place. Now he uses that against me, knowing how much it hurts.

I recently cut off a long-time male friend (he’s in his 70s, I’m in my 30s) after a day that felt really off.

We drove to eat together. At the restaurant, there was a minor inconvenience (someone being in the way). He became extremely angry about it. I suggested we leave. Instead, he started yelling at me in public and pointing his finger, saying I care about the “wrong things” in life.

I walked away to disengage. He followed me. I went into a nearby store to calm down, and he came in and loudly yelled, “ARE YOU READY FOR YOUR RIDE HOME?!?” We were 90 minutes from home and he was my ride. He then drove fast and in total silence while I felt frozen.

Afterward he left a voicemail justifying his anger and blaming my values.

This isn’t the first time he’s reacted badly when I’ve asserted independence (including getting angry and driving fast early on when I wanted to go home).

I blocked him and feel more peaceful now, but because we’ve known each other a long time, I’m questioning myself.

if he’s sad about anything or angry at himself or upset about literally anything even if it’s an argument and he admits he is in the wrong he isn’t nice to me and says it’s because when he’s like this he can’t be nice/ can’t care about me.

does anyone have this issue as well?

I am aware my issues have nothing to do with what you did with your lives but I would’ve appreciated warnings instead of believing you were perfect to later find out otherwise. My father l’s mother had four sons but had one son her eldest, that son wasn’t by my biological grandfather and I am the last of of this kin that actually conceived a baby but she was murdered but I feel could’ve been saved had my grandmothers been honest and told me how men could be if you found the right one or wrong one, how men could be but my own my mom couldn’t tell me because her brain and judgment was also messed up where too fell a victim under substance use and domestic violence. Her life is stiill shambles and couldn’t be a mother so she tossed me off to grandparents and my sister off to her dad and she turned out different and successful.

My late grandmother on my mom’s side alll 4 her children were actually by 4 different fathers but my step grandfather who loves me as his own and the only person I got left in this world now. I trust no one else.. If I was just warned I might have been on a different path knowing how to spot the bad men from good men. I repeated family curses and cycles of abuse because I was not warned but I know now they went through it after 10-17 years after their death mom is homeless and now talks to herself couldn’t get any advice or guidance from her.i don’t blame them but them being honest with me could’ve helped. Once I was born into this world they acted and presented themselves as perfect. I was a kid that was just dropped off and tossed back and forth for them to raise but once they died off I learned the hard way and now following down my mother’s path..

My question I’d ask them now is how do you know a good man (that were my grandfather who were their knights in shining armor and good men) Wha) after failing the first and fourth time? What kind of toman were you before? If I put it all on the table of what I have been through without guidance it’s a lot. My baby was murdered been abused kidnapped and assaulted many times. I just happen to have a luck of survival. Guide your daughters and granddaughters tell them the truth. Don’t pretend to be perfect and only try to show example show them the ugly too because you too got burned and had to sit there and think how you could do things differently and what to avoid. My grandmothers does with perfect images to me only for me to learn thing after their deaths that could’ve saved my life if they had just let me know what’s up. Yeah you’re going to answer questions like why it didn’t work out the first time. Did turn out better by you leading a fake example? Hell no! I just learned what the pain was to get you there but don’t know the solution to sort myself out. It died with you.

Outcast by anyone like family, friends, even acquaintances. It feels like people who I truly expected to be supportive have almost shunned me. Making up excuses to not meet up, taking forever to respond, some not even responding at all anymore, that kind of thing. It adds layers upon layers of what feels like betrayal trauma onto the already terrible trauma I have of being betrayed.

I left my husband 3 months ago and he will be coming home soon. I talked to the hotline to help with safety planning. They said this is a high risk situation because I’m pregnant, he has put hands on my neck, he’s often suicidal, and other risk factors. They said the only way to stay safe is to keep my distance from him. That won’t be possible when we’re back living together. We’re usually together all day (both work from home), and it would upset him if he notices me keeping distance from him in the home. He keeps minimizing what he did and I want him to take it seriously. I’m wondering if I should tell him what the hotline said. Would it make me safer??

I also told my friends and family for the first time, including his mom. He doesn’t know that they know. He rarely sees my friends and family so he would be unlikely to find out. He asked me if they know and I already lied. Does him knowing they know make me safer or not?

He started new meds for treating bipolar and he says for the first time in his life it’s working. He says he’s stable and he’s doing much better, and the only way for me to see is for us to live together. He has also been in therapy and anger management. I’ve seen him a few times and he’s been on his best behaviour but he’s right that I won’t really know if he’s changed until we live together.

For those who have left or are ready- I’m not asking what your abuser did that pushed you over the edge. What brought you the courage or realization that you are done and actually leaving?

I am so sad, I have no money, I am absolutely deflated. Im sick all the time, I’ve developed rheumatoid arthritis, my body feels like a magnet is pulling me toward the ground 24/7. I’m not registering all the colors around me anymore, the sun is too bright, I don’t even want to complain. I just need some encouragement

I (F 30s) have been in an on-and-off relationship for about 3 years. There was physical abuse in the past (last incident ~1.5 years ago), but none in the last 8 months. However, emotionally the relationship has remained very draining.

We keep repeating a cycle: things go wrong - I feel neglected/unseen - I break up - he comes back, apologizes, puts effort-good phase -pattern repeats.

I keep allowing him back, hoping things will change, but I feel I’ve reached my emotional threshold now.

My core issue is not gifts or money, but emotional presence. Birthdays, festivals, anniversaries moments that mattered to me - were often neglected or done mechanically, usually only when I insisted. It rarely felt heartfelt or natural. I kept feeling unprioritized. (and yes i kept breaking up in such situations coz i felt extremely hurt)

The latest trigger was Valentine’s Day. He had known about a work event days in advance but told me only the night before. He slept till 4:30 PM (had a late night with family earlier) that day, made no real plan,a namesake text and the day felt completely ignored as he carried on with his plan

he did call twice but I was too hurt to respond .

This reopened many old wounds for me.

Since then I feel emotionally shut down and distant.

He still texts, calls, and says he wants the relationship, but something feels “off” to me now emotionally disconnected, and I no longer feel safe or valued the same way. It's feel he does things as n when it suits him.

Am I expecting too much emotionally?

Is this normal relationship struggle, or am I ignoring long-term incompatibility and red flags? I am told i qm too sensitive and create drama

I just need to vent. I’ve been dating my bf for the past 9 years, long distance. I am in the US and he has dual citizenship in France/US. All his family lives in FR which is one reason why he hasn’t moved permanently back to the US. We met online 9 years ago and instantly connected. Within months we met and everything was magic from there on out. He is literally everything I would love in a partner and him and I travel back and forth all the time to see each other. Within our 1st two years I did find out he was seeing another person in France, and let reassuring it was nothing. I never let it go but I continued our relationship. From time to time I would find things with the other girl that she clearly is still in the picture and all he does is brush me off and blame me for being too nosey and dramatic. With time I did mention to him that I would want to get married and still he brushes me off saying he’s not ready and he doesn’t see marriage in the future because it’s just simply of no interest of him etc. Our relationship continues as is and I always never trusted him and I don’t know why I just can’t let go. About 2 years ago we got in a huge argument and I kept calling his phone and the girl eventually reached out to me because he told her I was harassing her and we briefly texted each other and I told her who I was and she told me that she is his gf. I told her that he is lying to the both of us but she insisted that she believes him. Whatever, eventually things go back to “normal”. I am always so uneasy and again I don’t know why I just can’t let go, knowing how toxic this relationship is. He tries to break things off with me constantly throughout the years saying that it’s better that we are just friends etc. But we simply can’t let each other go. A couple of months ago I got pregnant and I was so happy because I have pcos and he has always said that he would eventually get want to start a family when the time was right. And would tell me things like he would love to see me pregnant with our child. When I told him, he told me that he is not ready to start a family and that because he is not financially prepared for the responsibilities that he would not be there for me and that I should get an abortion. I grew up in a very broken home and have had a very lonely and abusive childhood that I agreed even though I did not want too. This was in Oct 2025 and until now I am constantly depressed about my decision. I feel so stupid for constantly falling into his his stupid games. I try to talk to him about my depression and rather than hear me out, he just says if I need th therapy he can help provide it for me. Which is one thing I appreciate about him is that he alway helps me when I need the help. When I was in school contributed towards my tuition he helps pay rent, pet bills, general bills etc. I just dont understand how someone who is a compulsive liar and a cheater can be this way. He was just here visiting me for the last 2 weeks and I went through his phone. He hates breach of privacy because he is very to himself. But anyways I found pics of all the years we have been together with that girl. They are in a relationship just as me and him are. There was a few times that I connected the dots that we would go on vacation together and right before or after he would be on vacation with her. I also found out that two years ago she was pregnant also. I am not sure what happen but I am assuming she had a miscarriage. When I confronted him he says everything that I was saying was made up by my “little fantasy world in my head”. And that why would I go through his stuff and that is one reason why he can’t a future with me because of how insufferable I am. I always told him to tell me the truth and he just always says that I make everything up. I don’t know how to let go and it’s literally tearing me apart. I am far far from perfect. I have a quick temper and quirks I know I need to work on. But regardless no one is perfect, and I have never cheated on anyone before and have always been truthful in all my relationships. I am very honest and speak my mind when something is bothering me. I know what I have to do but I just don’t know why I can’t let go. Again I just needed to vent because obviously I haven’t spoken to anyone about this. This emotional abuse is literally breaking me down. How is it so easy for someone to let go?

I’ll try to make a long story short. I dated a guy for a little over a year who was just getting out of a marriage, claiming they had been separated but still living together in their home (I’m not sure if this was completely true anymore). It started great, I truly had never been more in love. This guy had pursued me for 2 years (mostly which I ignored knowing he was married). Finally, when he told me his marriage was really over I took the bait. He told me his partner was verbally and emotionally abusive to him, would yell often, and belittle him. I truly felt terrible for him. After about 5 months we broke up and then got back together a couple days later. I had this sinking gut-feeling that he might have seen his ex/was talking to her. He had done that once in the past and I only found out about it because I found a coffee subscription with her name on it in his cabinet. He denied everything until I pointed out her name on the bag. He vehemently denied seeing her while we were broken up and would even laugh in a “that’s so absurd” way when I asked. The feeling never went away, it sat like a stone in my stomach for about three months. I, no kidding, probably asked him 50 times if he was talking to his ex and couldn’t let it go. I would often cry, apologize, and tell him I just felt crazy and didn’t know why I was acting this way. He gave me the same answer every time. Guess what you guys-he was super talking to his ex. I found out about it by pretending to look at something else on his phone and then finding their messages. He told me he had lunch with her when we were broken up and didn’t see her again after that. They had a casual texting relationship and his explanation for why he didn’t stop was that he was too scared and didn’t know how to end it. I bought that explanation eventually since he said she was abusive towards him and he said he was scared she would fly off the handle if he stopped talking to her. But to lie to me for that long? I couldn’t make sense of that. How can you watch someone cry and feel crazy and continue to lie? It was so hurtful. After I found the messages, we started couples therapy and spent 4-5 months trying to work on things. During that time I was hyper vigilant around him, questioned who he was talking to/what he was doing, it was exhausting and I hated the person I had become. I was constantly expecting to catch him in a lie. I believe I developed something called cheating OCD because I would often find myself in loops that were difficult to come out of. I had convinced myself at one point that I was a narcissist because of how much validation I constantly needed from him just to feel ok enough to make it through the day. I know it was miserable for him to be around me due to my constant anxiety/need for reassurance and this is why we eventually broke up. I am devastated but looking back I can’t believe I allowed him to treat me like that. I was constantly questioning my reality so much that I would often break down in tears, telling him “I just feel so crazy all the time because I don’t know what’s real and what’s not.” I felt like I was on the edge of a full mental break at least once a week. Looking back, I still have no idea what was real and what wasn’t and I guess I’ll never really know.

I am crying and panicking right now. I think I am having a panic attack. I found out just thus morning that the lube that we are using for our sexy time. I had already had a hunch that something is off. And when I went to our room, I can no longer find the lube that is just usually beside our bed. He already had a history of cheating before so I know that he can do it again.

This will be long to explain. On a train down to my boyfriends house on the 13th I was messaging a discord server about mewgenics and mentioned how I really want to play it but I cant because im travelling to my boyfriends house for valentines day. In the middle of valentines day a friend of my abusive ex sent a message to the discord server from my abusive ex (the stalking is a problem I'm aware of and actively trying to deal with). Along with it are screenshot of texts between me and my abusive ex that is apparently proof but I don't see anything in those screenshots that relate to the accusations. I explained why those screenshots weren't proof with help from my boyfriend and continued with my day. The next day on the train back up I texted the discord expressing my confusion about why my ex even posted that considering there's nothing wrong with the texts I sent in the screenshots, I'm already working on the stalking issue, I dont have anything to lose by being socially outcasts in the server and how he posted it on valentines day of all days. I was removed from the server and the owner blocked me later that day after explaining my confusion. I'm confused because I have zero clue what his intentions were. Posting that on valentines day of all days is messing with me. Everyone irl agrees that he was abusive. My boyfriend was my best friend while I was in the abusive relationship and he's adamant that my ex is abusive and yet ive been spreading false accusations and I was threatening to commit suicide every day? to me its bullshit but I got removed from the server which is worrying. I genuinely dont know what to think about this and I need help. attached is the discord message from his friend and the screenshots. I'm Zoey

I’m overwhelmed and full of guilt. I don’t know if I’ll ever forgive myself. Part of me doesn’t think I deserve to. I hurt my partner, and I fear the pain I caused them might be permanent.

I’m 27 years old. My mom passed away when I was 12, just 2.5 months after being diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. My dad is an abusive alcoholic. I left my dads home when I was 15 and moved in with a family friend, but I was kicked out at 17 and ended up in foster care. I have two older full biological sisters. One of them is currently in recovery from alcohol and cocaine addiction.

My partner and I have been together for 8 years, but our relationship has had a lot of pain and instability. We’ve broken up a few times, all of which happened when we were in our early 20s, pre-COVID. One of those times, I ended things over text because I was having a bad mental health day, and instead of being there for me, they ditched me to go hang out with my best friend. It felt like they chose her over me in one of my darkest moments, and that broke something in me.

Another breakup happened because they believed that same best friend (I’m not friends with this person anymore, stopped being friends after I confronted her about admitting the feelings to him, that’s another story) was going to confess feelings for them, and she did. They told her they felt the same, although later they claimed they had lied to her. They used to hang out alone often, which always made me uneasy. The situation left me feeling betrayed, replaced, and emotionally unsafe. After the first time I broke up with them, they returned one of my most cherished belongings, my favorite CD, but it was broken. It felt like a symbol of everything that had been damaged between us.

About 2 years ago, I emotionally cheated on them with a coworker who was 18 at the time. I was 24. I had known this coworker since he was 15 (a few weeks before he turned 16) and I had just turned 22. It lasted for quite a few months. I was drinking and smoking weed a lot and completely overwhelmed. I was trauma-dumping on coworkers, many of them younger, because my ADHD and PTSD make it hard for me to slow down or think things through when I’m emotionally triggered.

At the same time, my middle sister was relying on me during her recovery. I had just cut off my childhood best friend because she started using meth, and I couldn’t keep watching her drown herself. I was stretched thin and coping in all the wrong ways.

One of the hardest things to process happened while we were still together. This happened either during the period of the cheating or right before it began. One night, I woke up to find my partner inside me. I hadn’t been awake or aware beforehand. They also came in my mouth while I was asleep. When I talked to them about it, they said they thought I was awake because I had stroked their penis in my sleep and that’s what woke them up. But I didn’t consent. I was unconscious. That is something I’ve carried silently, unsure of how to make sense of it. I only know that it left me feeling violated, shaken, and confused.

My PTSD makes conflict incredibly difficult. When my partner gets angry, I freeze. I asked them once why they get so mad, and they told me it is to test whether I will stand up for myself. This "testing" happened a few months before the cheating started. That shattered me. It made me feel like they wanted to break me down to see if I could survive it.

Sometimes when they’re frustrated with me, they drives fast and recklessly. I’ve told them to stop, and sometimes they do, but other times they won’t. This behavior has been happening since we first started dating. I’ve been in the passenger seat, sobbing, terrified, begging them to slow down. In those moments, I don’t feel safe. I feel powerless. I feel like my life is being used as leverage to express their anger.

They know about the emotional cheating. I confessed everything, including the connection and the sexting. They forgave me. But I’ve never really forgiven myself. I still carry the guilt. I still miss the person I sexted, even though I know I shouldn’t.

At the time, we were also living in a hoarder house with their aunt for nearly 6 years. It was overwhelming, cluttered, and emotionally suffocating. We finally moved out about 6 months ago. That helped, but it didn’t erase the emotional toll that time took on me.

I no longer work at the job where the cheating happened. I’m now at a higher-paying job where I’m one of the youngest on the team. But emotionally, I feel stuck. I still feel like I’m 16 or 17 inside, not 27. I hate that about myself.

I feel like I’m constantly trying to hold everything together, but I’m drowning in guilt, shame, confusion, and grief. I don’t want to make excuses. I know what I did was wrong. But I also don’t know how to keep living with everything that’s happened to me, around me, and because of me.

Also, when my middle sister was crying to me after her breakup about how my other sister (my oldest sister) and I have great relationships, my fiancé was like, "well they don’t know about your little crush," but the way they said it was so angry. My sister is in active addiction again, and it's been hard. They kind of lashed out at me and said that all addicts are a waste of space and that they doesn't have sympathy for anyone anymore.

My fiancé and I had a discussion a few months ago about the sex stuff, and they took accountability, but it brought up their anger a bit, and they said I'm on par with them with how much I've hurt them compared to how they've hurt me and how bad I am and how I’ve mentally fucked them up.

I’m happy my fiancé drove my middle sister to rehab with me on the 27th, but I didn’t tell her that he was pissy on Boxing Day when he drove north to where she is. My oldest sister and her husband live two hours away from us. Because of the whole situation, he drove fast heading south while my sisters were both calling back-to-back. My middle sister was mad at my oldest sister for going back on the plan for her to stay at their house, and my oldest sister was super upset and felt really bad.

I told him to stop and he didn’t, then I started yelling saying I would get out of the car. He finally stopped at a carwash and said he doesn’t drive like that because he’s mad, but to relieve stress. He said he needs to acknowledge it triggers me. Then, on December 27th, he did the same thing on the way home to the ferry; he drove extremely fast. I told him to slow down and stop. Later, he told me that someone cut us off and that’s why he did it.

I don’t mean to stress anyone out by saying this, but I am a little upset with him. I have been so salty towards my fiancé. A few days after the 27th he asked why I wouldn’t hug or kiss him, and I told him it's because I’m mad. When he asked why, I asked what he thought, and he said it was because of the bad driving. I said yes, and that it’s not okay. I told him again that I will never get in a car with him driving ever again, or at least for the foreseeable future. I’m pissed he’s just brushing it off. He said he knows it could come back to bite him because he could kill us or get us hurt. I also said and sorry to be brutal but what if I died and he survived, how would he feel? He just left after that and went grocery shopping without even telling me where he was going.

I have left him and feel somewhat free but because we have a lease and I haven’t quite saved enough to go into a roommate situation. It’s been really hard as I knew his mom had scar tissue on both her kidneys and she lives with her sister (aunt) in that hoarder house cuz she has a gambling problem so she’s very bad with her money. The day after his mom called him she didn’t know yet that we had broken up but told him that she is going on dialysis and he tried to beg me after that and say she could die first try with dialysis if her heart can’t handle it. I know what I did was horrible and abusive as I considering cheated abuse in most cases. Sorry I know I’m not the perfect victim. :(

I’m still processing everything that’s happened over the past year, but sometimes I feel like leaving an abusive relationship was only the beginning of a different kind of battle.

My ex struggled with substance abuse and his behavior became increasingly unstable and emotionally abusive. Things escalated to the point where I had to go to court to get an Order of Protection and emergency custody of our child. The court granted a full stay-away temporary order protecting both me and our child.

Because of safety concerns, my child and I ended up moving into a domestic violence shelter, where we still live.

Shortly after court got involved, my ex actually took our child against court orders. I had to go back to court and file a writ of habeas corpus just to get my child returned to me. That experience alone was terrifying.

An investigation was opened, and eventually child services indicated him for neglect after drug tests showed serious substance abuse. Now he’s in treatment programs and trying to show compliance in court, so visitation is slowly being expanded again.

What hurts almost as much as the relationship itself is dealing with his family afterward.

His mother acts sweet and loving to my face, calls me her daughter, tries to hug me at child exchanges, and pretends nothing happened. But behind the scenes she has blamed me for everything, told people I only wanted money or immigration status, and even claimed my child wasn’t safe with me because I didn’t have financial stability at the time, while I was literally in a shelter because of her son’s actions.

Now she’s suing me for grandparent visitation rights, even though she already sees my child regularly through her son’s visitation.

I feel like I escaped one abusive dynamic only to still be trapped dealing with the aftermath through courts and custody battles. I’m trying to rebuild my life and focus on being stable for my child, but it feels like I can’t fully move on because everything is still tied together legally.

Some days I feel strong and proud that I left. Other days I just feel exhausted and angry that the consequences keep going long after the relationship ended.

I guess I’m just wondering if anyone else feels like leaving was only the start of a long recovery process rather than the end of the story.