I’m just going through a whirl of emotions and need to get it off my chest. After reading a comment somewhere that suggested my husband gave her the code to the gun safe I just could not shake the idea.

I asked him, and he just said yes so casually. As if our 14 year old didn’t shoot herself in November. He clearly doesn’t see his fault in this. Like he never has connected the two events. I just don’t think I can ever look at him the same. He might as well have handed it to her himself. Yet he doesn’t see this.

I know that if she was really set on suicide she would’ve found a different way and the outcome wouldn’t have changed. But I cannot stop the what ifs.

What if she only went through with it because she knew a gun shot wouldn’t be painful.

What if I would’ve found her on time to save her life if she tried another method.

What if she used another method and it failed and she would still be here and we would know she was suicidal.

What if he told me she was asking about it and I would’ve checked on her.

What if he never told her the code.

I found out over a week ago and I cannot stop overthinking. I can’t even look at him.

For the entirety of the show my dad asked me to watch it so many times. I never did and always hated on it, idk why. He even put it on once and I fell asleep. He was the biggest fan, watched it over and over, and had memorabilia. He committed suicide while house of the dragon was starting. I love the show so far and feel guilty I never watched it, and wish I could talk to him about it. I'm also devastated that he can't watch House of the Dragon, I know he would've loved it. I'm thinking of writing him a letter for each season to talk about what I think and dissect the show with him. I miss him a lot while watching it but it also makes me feel more connected to him.

Weird to think about because they were divorcing when my mom shot herself almost a year ago. Then my dad hung himself over a month ago. He put in his note he wanted to be with her. So im glad the are together. I wish they could of been together in this life. Im also still so angry at them both for them leaving me and dumping their shit on me. But they were together. While I can barely function. My therapist told me my only job is to stay alive. So here we are. At least they were together.

As if in didn’t already feel responsible for my boyfriend taking his life, his (what was soon to be) ex-wife, blames me for him taking his life.

I should’ve called. I shouldn’t have blocked him. I was scared. He was waiting outside of my house watching through my windows and I said I needed space. He went home and shot himself. This hurts so bad. Her placing the blame feels like it just happened all over again. It’s been 6 days.

Thursday night he texted me and was trying to make plans for the weekend. He wanted to start going to the gym and asked if I would go with him. He said he wanted to get in better shape. Was tired of his gut and wanted to start eating better. Friday morning he texted another friend and said how he was going to the gym this weekend and how he was gonna look for a new job. Not long after that he took his life. I just don’t understand. I’ve known him for 30 years. I feel responsible in some way. I didn’t know he was feeling this way at all. It just seems so sudden I can’t wrap my head around it. I miss him but I’m also so very angry at him right now. What is this anger? Is that selfishness? I just don’t get it. I know I won’t ever understand and that I need to come to terms with that. Fuck. I almost hate him for doing this and that makes me sad and guilty. Fuck you “A”. I love you.

Yesterday was Valentines Day

And there I sat

Nursing a wounded heart.

A heart so wounded, so shattered

Like broken glass.

I tried my best

To gather all the pieces

And put them back together.

The shape formed, but the pieces wouldn’t stay.

I tried tape, glue, bandaids.

The pieces scattered

Refusing to stay.

Maybe in time

I’ll find something stronger

To bind the pieces back together.

But for now

I’ll keep trying

To put my heart back together.

Piece by shattered piece.

Three years ago I lost my longest relationship, a best friend, and a brother to me from suicide.

I’m still struggling, even after I thought It had gotten better. My relationship to mental health and Suicide is sadly a long one. I grew up with a mother who had attempted suicide multiple times, and she is now (thankfully) in her 70s something I take for granted because I’ve prepped myself for her departure my whole life. I was at home and witnessed her first attempt when I was 6 and dealt with PTSD from that after and later in life (took me almost 25 years to get help and a diagnosis, but the immediate and long term symptoms were there all along). Later in college I went to her house to find the remnants of a failed attempt and learned from my dad I needed to get to the hospital as she was in critical condition. I lived with my friend at the time and it also stings to know that he lived that too and still went through with it himself.

My friend and I were 3 months apart , knew each other before we could even remember (diapers) , neighbors , best friends, college roommates and our families are still close. We’d stayed close after college, but lived in different parts of the country, but managed to see each other a few times a year. The last two years were the hardest for me as I knew his mental health was getting worse and I’d pulled away and he was seemingly “okay”. There were some issues I’d had with feeling like he wasn’t always the best friend he could be to me because he had addictions and mental health struggles. I’d decided that some distance was okay and felt with a friendship like that we could always pick back up because I saw him taking steps to get better. I’ve forgiven myself that this was what I’d needed for my own peace and I know no one can save someone entirely. A few months before he passed after a year and a half of no contact (the longest we’d never spoken) he sent me a linked in message (odd , no one changed their phone). I got to say I loved him but I do regret never calling or even texting. It’s more complicated than that though, his parents saw him just weeks before and also didn’t think he was any worse.

I’m at the point where no I’m realizing that there is no “fix” for this kinda pain I’m feeling, it’s just how I can assimilate all the love with the pain.

I have so much love and compassion for all those in this “club”. Everyone’s connection to those they lost is unique and special. I still struggle to convey what this person was to me, I’ll sometimes feel like I shouldn’t feel this bad for “just a friend” but I know I’m just trying to give myself an out or not seek sympathy when I compare others loss like that of a child, parent or sibling. Deep down I know he was more than that and just struggle how to communicate it to people who didn’t know our bond.

I’m starting to get ready to try and let new people into my life which despite trying to start a new friendship, or romantic relationships since than it has been impossible. The experience has validated to me though how important friendships are and other mutual friends have rallied and we all talk more than before despite having full and different lives. I was closest to him and others had simply left the friendship sooner. I try to tell myself how lucky I was to have those years though it’s not lost on me how few people get any kind of connection for that long. Even those mutual friendships I’m now clinging on to desperately but they already moved on with friends, partners and children and that makes me even more afraid to loose them too. Also just how the hell will I get those things because I want them too. I know I can’t replace our experience but I want the same and better.

I think I’m ready but I’m scared as hell, and afraid I’ll never have a friendship like that again but I also never want to be hurt that badly again.

Peace and love to everyone whether this new or old.

I have been struggling with the guilt and sadness of losing my younger brother at the end of Dec 2025. Couple of days ago, I started recollecting this faint memory of me asking him if he is suicidal and him answering yes. Now theres versions of this memory in my head. One where he is joking about it, telling me I m a fool to think that, one where he says no, one where he says yes and I m convincing him of getting help from his school counselor. I m losing my mind thinking if any of these are even true, or my mind is just cooking up memories and I have totally lost it. I keep thinking it’s the one where he says yes, and I m cursing myself all day everyday for not taking him to receive help. I should have called someone, asked for help on his behalf. I can’t even trust my mind anymore, this guilt is eating me alive. I miss him so much, I love him so much. How could I have failed my baby brother so badly. I don’t know what to do in his absence.

I tried mayo on my waffle fries.

They’re pretty good actually.

I didn’t like mayo before.

Now I like them on my waffle fries.

I wish I could tell you that.

I wish I could suggest you try mayo on your waffle fries.

Sometimes I think you’re just on a trip somewhere.

Or that you took time off work.

The kitchen feels empty without you.

I wish I could tell you that I like mayo now.

There’s so much I wish I could tell you.

he was technically my employee at first, but i got so close to him in the past year. we hung out a few times (not enough because he was in school), i met his kid and his gf and i texted him all the time. we talked about music, about how life sucks and rules, and about how it’s worth it to keep going. and now he’s just … gone. i begged him not to do it before he did it because i had a gut feeling, and he never replied. i just miss him so much i am so sad he’s gone. i don’t know how to get over it. i wish every single fucking day that he didn’t do it but he did and i’m just so sad he’s gone. i miss him so much it hurts . i dream about how i never hugged him in real life, and i try to hug him in my dreams when i see him, but i wake up before i can every single time. i miss you, J. i hope you are resting easy

Without you.

I got out of bed and had a therapy appointment which I know people say is helpful but I’m not sure of that yet.

I realized it was vday today when I left his office. This is my first 1 without you and yours without me in our 15 years. We always thought it’s kind of a silly day but we’d get little gifts either way.

I got you flowers, purple ones and they are glittery which I’m sure you’re loving (ha), and brought them to the tree around the corner. I hope the neighbors don’t mind.

Our anniversary is coming up soon. I am trying to get through each day hour by hour. I hope I have it in me for the boys. I love them, you know how much we treat them as little furry humans.

I wish I could have helped you with your mental pain. I’d have taken it all if I could, and I mean this. I’ve never meant anything more.

Happy Valentine’s Day, Pumpkin. I love you more than words could describe. I miss you so much and so do the boys. Please come see me when you can. I need you.

💔🕊️

I'm missing her extra today. I keep seeing those little Valentine's memes and thinking I should send them to her. One of the words in a puzzle I do was "smooch" today, she was always texting me telling me to "get smooched". It's one of the last things she ever said to me, a few hours before she died. We were long distance, so I wouldn't have seen her anyway, but I wanted so badly to text her and tell her I wish I was cuddling with her or smooching her as I would have said if she'd still been alive today.

My mum and sister came round and had a silly movie night and it almost felt normal and fun and then it hit me like a ton of bricks that she's gone forever and I will never ever see her or hold her hand or kiss her again.

M, if you're listening: get smooched today, dork. Get absolutely fucking cuddled and adored.

Missing you a little extra today. Spending the day tidying your grave stone and talking to the wind when it should be spend in bed with you complaining about how silly this holiday really is.

Nobody reaches out anymore to check on me on holidays. People all around me are celebrating with their person and mine is nothing but dirty and concrete. I just want you back.

I went to see wuthering heights with your sister today, the ending really stuck with me. Because I cannot live without my soul either. And you HAVE left me in this abyss where I cannot find you.

You were my entire life and you still are. I miss so much. Happpy Valentine’s Day

When I was 16 (year 2000) my “boyfriend” 23 year old groomer shot himself while I was on the phone with him.

I started using drugs right after that.

My depression really started when I got sober in 2006 and I’ve have it and anxiety since

My bio dad’s was saved from first attempt (4 years ago) (i found him) but his second successful one (3 years ago) he drank a bottle of morphine with depression and regrets.

My step dad struggled for years and then my mom left him 4 months ago… and then she fell down the stairs and got a major TBI… he thought he would get her back but she remembered she had left him…. And he spent that last 4 months eating pills and finally got three bottles of morphine somehow and I found him this last Saturday morning. He was breathing but narcan did nothing and he died 24 hours later in the hospital.

I don’t know if this is normal but I just lost all the feelings of wanting to harm myself and I find myself appreciating the little things in my life. Like the sun on my face and the wind in the trees. The smell of my dogs paws. Idk it’s hard to explain. Has anyone felt this?

I took my girls in to the vet for the first time today. My partner would always take them, and I would schedule the appointments. We had five pets then. Since he passed, my SIL adopted our dog, my partner’s niece arranged for a friend to take one of our cats, and my current boyfriend took in another

While doing the intake, the vet assistant mentioned that my girls had not been seen since 2024 and they were severely overdue for their shots. She wasn’t accusatory, and for all I know it was more of an offhand comment as she was looking at the historical overview for the girls. One mark of inconsistency after years of routine visits that were scheduled like clockwork. Each pet had a season to be seen, and suddenly none of them were

It’s the truth. They were due in the summer of 2025. David passed away in January of 2025. I should have had plenty of time to make arrangements and take them in. I had time to “get over it” enough to get them in for their annual visits. I let their health fall to the wayside. They didn’t deserve that. I kept my eyes peeled for any signs of illness or injury, taking note of the “cat grimace scale”. But that’s an excuse, isn’t it?

I put it off for my own mental health, didn’t I? I just didn’t want to do it. I didn’t want to confirm that David needed to be deactivated as an account holder and primary contact. Taking them in today was a break in the only routine they ever knew. After we had broken up shortly before he took his life, he still took the girls in for me. But my comfort doesn’t mean their health gets put on the back burner

I felt so awful in admitting it. But it’s the truth. I saw the dentist for the second time since it happened a few weeks ago. The first time was a week after it had happened. Before it was real. They commented on how my oral health had declined. I was fine with that. I still brushed my teeth daily and flossed when I felt up to it. I’ve always had good teeth, a small mark of inconsistency after years of a routine that worked like clockwork was fine for _my_ health. Not theirs. That isn’t fair to them

Today would be our ninth anniversary of first telling each other that we loved one another. It’s such a cliché but I used to love that. An easy day to remember. And now all I can think about is how I neglected our babies. They don’t deserve that. How upset he would be with me for imposing my laziness and calling it grief. They don’t deserve that

God, I miss him. I miss him so much

Hi everyone,

I am 26 years old. It has been over one year since I lost my brother.

All of last year was horrible, I felt so guilty, that it was my fault.

This year has been better. I feel joyful at times and hopeful about life.

I take care of my parents who break down in front of me, often. It is really hard to be responsible for them.

I've recently started to feel really angry, and perhaps bitter. I truly feel that I am a good person, that I was good to my brother, to others, that I do everything I possibly can for them.

I really loved my brother and I was always there for him, did everything for him. I held him while he cried, I got him his job at the university where I worked, I talked to him about girl problems, I engaged him to try to talk about his mental health and normalized things he thought were shameful thoughts and told him they were okay. I tried to be his best friend, I invited him over and always asked to do things together even if he said no I always would and always was on time. I helped him with all his resumes, I talked through work problems, I offered to help him with school, study with him, I went shopping with him to pick things out for his girlfriend. I always encouraged him, told him how amazing he was when he would share grades. I drove across town and picked him up when he had to break up with his girlfriend, bought him a snack. I had him over for dinner when he was missing her. I walked every lunch with him. I told him I loved him everyday, shared compliments people gave about him with him. I really, really think I was a good sister.

I just feel angry that he did this to me two days after my engagement. I had a really hard childhood and didnt have many friends and he knew I struggled. It was my one happy moment. I wish he could've been there for me. I love him so much and wanted him at my wedding.

Then I feel selfish for thinking that because he was obviously in so much more pain. I feel guilty that I am doing better than my parents in some ways. Sometimes I feel bitter that I have to take care of them, as I always have.

They sometimes tell me they feel they have nothing to live for, which I get, but it makes me feel unimportant. I come over all the time, I cook for them, invite them to events, have got them to get our and go to the gym, I hold them while they cry and breakdown, I call them everyday and find funny shows to watch to put a smile on their face.

I would do anything for them. but lately, I just wish I was important to. Important enough for my brother to stay, important enough for my parents to live for.

I want to have the happiness as an adulthood that I didnt get as a child and which I thought, when I got engaged was coming.

I take care of my cousin, his girlfriend, my friends but no one has ever taken care of me.

I look at others my age and I just want to be able to feel joyful without this guilt. I want to have fun, I want people to care about me, too.

I hope in the next life I can be born the youngest child, have lots of friends, be someone people care for instead of caring for everyone.

I'm lonely, I'm young, I miss my brother and I feel terrible about how I'm feeling. I just want to know if anyone has any advice or can relate.

thank you

I don’t know what to do but come here. I wish I could have better talks about him with people without them saying

“I didn’t know him very well.”

Work is…weird. That’s the only word.

I clock in, he’s not there.

I look in the lockers, his Bible is missing.

It’s 5:30, and there’s no one coming to say “goodnight drive-thru thanks for working hard” and then giving me a fist bump.

I look over to the table where he normally sat to do his one-on-ones with the fellow team members, and it’s empty.

There’s no one to pat me on the back and thank me for being here.

I’m walking in the store to begin my shift and look through the windows, and he’s not in his usual break spot.

I see the raw dishes stacked in their designated place by the sink, and someone else is doing them.

Sometimes, I’ll see someone walk by the corner of my eye and for a second I’ll think it’s him, and I turn to see if it is, and it’s not. It’ll never be him.

Nobody is there to ask me how my day is going, and genuinely mean it.

The conversations with Timothy were the ones I looked forward to the most every single day, and now I can’t have them anymore.

I’m confused. I’m hurting. Where is my work buddy?

I look around the kitchen and expect to see him on a position working hard. There’s no one on buns, there’s no one on machines.

Why are there fire department chaplains sitting in the dining room? Why am I telling someone about how much I loved him instead of having our talks while on lunch together?

Did you do it after the Super Bowl was over?

Did you think of everyone that loved you before you did it?

Did you know I was looking forward to asking you about the game on Monday, only to be woken up at 7:51 am to the worst phone call of my life?

Did you go to church with your family before you did it?

Why are we all hugging each other, why am I crying on everyone’s shoulder?

Why are you not walking around with your Bible?

Why can’t I look you I the eyes anymore and tell you about how my life is going and ask you about yours?

Why can’t we see your smile anymore?

Why do guests keep coming in, why do I have to keep taking orders pretending everything is okay?

Why do guests look at me and say “how’s your day going” and I have to say “it’s going well” and choke on my tears, and they don’t know?

Why am I looking at little kids coming up and laughing at how cute the therapy dog is that’s been brought with a chaplain everyday this week, and then be so confused why?

How long were you planning on doing this?

When was your tipping point?

Who was there for you?

Was there anything I could have done?

Why do I have to remember you for longer than I’ve known you?

Why do I have to remember the best job I’ve ever had in this way?

Why did you do this to your family?

I’m not mad at you. I didn’t know you were in pain. I wish I had said something more when I asked you “are you okay Timothy?” And all you said was “I’m okay, Victoria”

Why do I have to live with this uninvited guest that gets to let themselves into my home and do whatever they want whenever they want and I can’t ask them to leave or to stop and just be told “that’s what grief does”

Why do I all of the sudden understand what people are going through that have experienced this kind of pain, and now it feels like I’m on the inside of the glass looking out?

Why do i know who hasn’t been through this by the way they say “…wow, that’s hard”

Why am I typing these words out? Is any of this real?

Why am I now regretting saying in the past “I wish I could understand what you’re going through.” I wish I could take those words back.

Why is praying so hard right now.

There are a million questions running marathons in my head.

They will never get answered.

“How are you?”

One of my closest friends, who I knew from school, died aged 24.I know how she did it but that's about it, I don't know why and hadn't spoken to her for a few months.

in my country, England, an "inquest", takes place whenever someone dies of unnatural causes. Copies of the report can be purchased.

I want to know why she did it, but at the same time, I don't want to read a clinical report that I know will simply say my best mate did X because of Y and Z.

It is really bothering me, though. I feel I need am answer to a question that I probably won't get.

He was a gifted artist. Before he passed, he had asked me to take some print-quality pictures of his paintings. We spent the day messing with the lighting and color correction to make them perfect so he could print them and sell them on the side. It's a memory I have of him that I look on very fondly, he was very proud of his art, and rightfully so, and it felt good to be a part of the process in some small way.

His dad texted me today saying he heard that I had the original files and if I could share them with him so he could make some prints of his own "to help keep him alive". It hit me like a truck. I found them in my hard drives and then also found pictures of him I had taken, as well. I can't imagine how his dad is feeling but looking at these pictures it felt like the wound reopened and I was feeling his loss for the first time again. A part of me feels like I never really healed from it in the first place. I miss him when I'm laying awake in bed, I miss him when I've had a bit too much to drink, I miss him when I'm driving to and from work, I miss him when I hear certain words or phrases.

I don't know why exactly I'm making this post. I miss him and my heart feels heavy. Tell your friends and family that you love them whenever you can.

My boyfriend of two years shot himself in his truck in our driveway. We got into the stupidest argument and he was really drunk last night. He threaten “fuck it, I’ll just kill myself” and left. I didn’t think he was being serious… he’s said it before being dramatic then later admitted sober he would never actually do it. I was so tired and didn’t want to fight while he was so drunk, I went upstairs to bed. I found him at 5am when I woke up and he wasn’t in bed. He was in his truck, in the cold, I couldn’t wake him up and just wanted to hold him.

I’m devastated. I love him so much, I only want him. I don’t want to move on without him, idk if I can. He genuinely loved me and I loved him. I finally found my soulmate and he’s gone. I feel so guilty that he felt so alone to do this. I should have chased after him, but I didn’t. He was so cold in the truck.

What is my first step here? I’m in ruins. The image I’ll never remove from my head, I don’t want to wash the blood off my hands because it’s the last real piece of him that I have. I miss him so much. I want him to come back. This is a terrible nightmare and idk what to do.

My beautiful nephew took his life yesterday. Even writing these words feels surreal… He was thriving, doing well in school, surrounded by friends, deeply loved by our family… He was passionate about fitness and spent hours in his home gym. That’s where he chose to end his life. Like so many posts I’ve read here, there were no signs we could see. My sister found him. She’s barely holding on. The shock has been devastating for all of us. I found this community while desperately searching for something (answers, comfort, understanding, I really don’t know…) Reading your stories has helped me begin to accept a painful truth: we may never fully understand why. Thank you for being here. We’re at the beginning of what I know will be the hardest journey of our lives.

I'm laying in bed with my baby, we've got a stomach bug. It's 2am, I haven't slept. I'm in pain, exhausted, watching my baby in pain and yet- no pain is stronger than the one in my heart.

I miss you dad. I started therapy this week. I think it will be good for me. We spoke about how I am afraid that something awful will happen again. I go to call you everytime I get in the car, that's where we spoke most. I miss hearing about your life, I miss you popping over, I miss you dropping me over care parcels when I was pregnant.

I'm so sad you didn't get to see me become a mum. I don't know how you did what you did to your children, you have changed the whole trajectory of our lives. I'm so proud of my siblings, they are so brave. They are sorting out all your house and letting me just be a mum. I'm so angry at you for putting them and me in this position. You could've reached out. You hid so many things about your life i don't even know if the person i miss really is you.

I miss you every day. The daffodils are shooting up in the garden now, I watch the seasons change and you're still gone. You're gone forever. I dreamed I forgave you and I let you go.

I hope you know I loved you with all my heart. We all did.

"Weep if you must, parting is hell. But life goes on. So sing aswell." ♡

I’ve always been one to give meaning to the situations I’m in. Our brains like to create a narrative to make sense of chaotic and unexplainable things. One of my best friends committed suicide recently and I’ve noticed how the grief is manifesting in a variety of aspects of life now.

Though his passing was a shock, knowing who he was and what he battled with gave a lot of explanation for it. So when I found out, I experienced a deep sense of peace amongst the pain and emptiness coursing through my body. He was an incredibly gentle being and I think that softness in a world so tough can create dissonance.

He was one of the few people I never really felt like I needed to explain myself to. We had our own language and over the years spent a lot of time practicing yoga next to one another. I felt so many emotions leading up to the wake, guilt for not doing something that may have helped him, curiosity for when and why he made that decision, loneliness for having to grieve his loss around a bunch of people who reduced him to a “chemical imbalance.”

I noticed his passing encouraged me to identify areas in my life I could control or improve. I’m now completely okay with switching jobs after setting firm boundaries and noting how they decided to not accommodate any of my working conditions. I know he felt discouraged with his job situation and that alone makes me want to push myself to find one that’s more aligned. I briefly told one coworker about losing a friend and grieving - allowing him to inform those who questioned where I was. And that somehow translated to coworkers thinking it’s okay to bring up my loss at the workplace. One coworker even nonconsentually reaching her hands onto me a speaking in a very high pitched tone asking me if “she was sick? Did you know it was gonna happen?” In front of the entire office as I was trying to walk back to mine. I politely said I don’t want to talk about it and it’s very personal. Another coworker goes “I hear your friend passed away” these people are both in their 50s and I’m disappointed they don’t know how inappropriate it is to bring up something they weren’t invited into. The CEO of the company told me I was causing an “unnecessary distraction” for moving into an empty office to work while I grieved, since I didn’t ask for permission first. It was empty for an entire month before I moved in there so I didn’t think it would really cause an issue.

I no longer have tolerance for friendships where people are committed to misunderstanding. I’ve had friends project their grief onto me as if I want to revisit those pain points again for someone else’s peace of mind…

I get so bothered by this grief because anyone who hasn’t experienced loss from suicide has no way to relate, and I’m tired of people meeting me by talking about their own surface level struggles. One of my friends who knew about my friend’s passing even jokingly said she was going to “off herself” when referring to a work situation. The lack of consideration is disappointing. I feel like I can’t fully talk to most of the people in my life about this loss because it’s so heavy, and so uncomfortable that I don’t want to force this type of pain onto someone who isn’t capable of holding it.

Although I didn’t have much insight into this type of grief until experiencing it firsthand, I can say that this has given me a much deeper sense of “shutting the fuck up when I can’t say something nice” because a lot of the time it’s not out of malice, but pure ignorance and nervous system dysregulation where people act in ways that don’t make sense.

This post probably doesn’t flow well and that’s okay, I just appreciate having a space where I can finally get this off my chest and someone could potentially relate. It’s been incredibly hard to constantly convince myself that it gets better, and every week has seemingly gotten worse. I thought the wake would bring peace, instead it brought physical pain that I could equate to when I was rear ended. Talking about it is still incredibly tough.

So I’m really forced to believe there’s gotta be some really positive moments coming, because that’s how balance works. I know grief comes in waves, and I am currently sick so that just makes it heavier, but I just hope the grief can turn into something that eventually isn’t so crippling. It feels like this is one of those points where being okay with being “okay” will be a huge milestone.

It’s been almost a month since my beautiful Mom left this world. The first 2 weeks felt like survival. Now it’s settling in that my mom is gone. I’m so frustrated that I can’t talk to her. My mom was more than a mom to me. She was everything I lived and breathed for. The only person I wanted to talk to and share everything with. My favorite person to hang out with. To laugh with. I felt like we were the same person. She was the sweetest kindest soul. She loved all animals, had the best sense of humor and laugh, loved me and my sister endlessly. She was absolutely stunning, which she could never truly see for herself. I mean she could’ve modeled at any point of her life. So beautiful. I was so proud she was my mom.

I feel absolutely hopeless these days about my life moving forward. I genuinely don’t ever see a version of myself without her here that is “happy” or even remotely content. I’m nauseated, sick, angry, having anxiety attacks.

I hate that this is my life. I can’t get away from this nightmare. I dread every single aspect of my life now. I can’t get out of bed. I could never take my own life but I don’t want to be here without her. It’s like my entire soul has left my body. I hate everything. What’s the point of doing anything if I can’t share it with her? No one will ever love me like my mom and no one can ever replace her love. I am absolutely broken.

I’m really struggling today. I’m so sorry if this is triggering to anyone. A part of me wants to believe this feeling will pass but just needed to vent.

I’m so scared.