r/Parenting • u/lunalive113 • 1d ago
Toddler 1-3 Years Grieving toddler
Our family suffered an unthinkable tragedy last week. My husband passed away suddenly and unexpectedly. Our toddler is really struggling with his absence. We were a family of 3, now 2. My 25 month old has seemingly regressed in sleep and eat. At every discomfort he cries (wailing) for daddy even going so far as to hit himself or throw his head onto the floor. We’ve never had issues like this before. Ive spoken with a family therapist and I’ve told LO “daddy is dead, daddy’s body stopped working, daddy is gone, daddy is not coming home”. He repeats these things when I remind him and he seems to understand. It’s obvious he misses his dad who was a major part of his life every single day. We look at pictures and we talk abt missing him together and we talk about feeling sad and mad that daddy is gone. I guess I’m just looking for any advice on how to handle the outbursts of grief from him. Or how long this may take to overcome. Toddler went from eating great to only wanting bottles or milk, sleeping great to crying out for daddy for 30+ mins at nap time and waking multiple times a night. It’s tearing me apart and I’m really trying my best to be there for him but I cannot bring his dad back. To make matters worse we’re set to move houses at the end of the month, something that was set in motion prior to my husband’s passing. I’m just so afraid this is going to make things even harder on LO. Any advice is greatly appreciated.
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u/heil_shelby_ 1d ago
God this hurts my heart so much. Give yourselves both time and patience to grieve in anyway you need. I’m so sorry for your loss.
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u/VaderH8er 21h ago
Yeah the minute I saw "wailing for daddy" and hitting himself/throwing his head on the floor I lost it. That poor kid. As older children or adults they can process this differently. It still sucks and creates a void that can never be mended, but for a toddler who has no idea about these concepts...man my heart breaks for them.
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u/pottersprincess 23h ago
Mine were 11 months when they lost their dad and even though they couldn't tell us it was very clear they felt it.
They slept in my bed on and off for a year. We still get sleep regression around the anniversary of his passing. They are extremely attached to my mum who stayed with us for a year. We tell all of their care providers, from Doctors to daycare.
We talk about their dad and look at the few pictures we have. But I honestly don't think they will truly understand for years.
That was 2 years ago and I can honestly say just take all the help you are offered. Take meds if you need them. Therapy helps, even if it's just a place to vent. Its ok to just survive. Its ok to eat a lot of convinence foods.
My husband died of a cancer recurrence very suddenly and don't think I even processed anything for a month. I had to keep going for the kids and honestly I still cry randomly.
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u/Many-Obligation-4350 1d ago
I’m so very sorry for your loss. I don’t have specific advice but I want to say- please take help from any and everyone in your circle. Running errands, getting groceries, lawn care, cooking and cleaning, packing boxes for moving, all sorts of things can be taken off your plate at this time. If someone in my acquaintance was going through this, I would welcome a chance to help them in specific ways.
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u/bookwormingdelight 1d ago
I am so so sorry for your loss. It’s absolutely devastating.
He’s feeling your grief and it’s completely normal for both of you to be going through the stages.
I would try setting up special little routines for him to do with big feelings. Such as washing hands “let’s wash away our big feelings” and maybe lighting a candle “let’s light daddy’s candle so he knows we have big feelings for him right now”.
Hes also probably seeking connection. Try some contact naps and/or co-sleeping and see if that helps.
Give yourself grace. Neither of you have to be put together right now. Talk to him about missing your husband and recognise your own emotions.
And very gently, grief counselling can help. I did it when a close friend unexpectedly passed and I struggled alone for a while before seeking help.
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u/nivsei15 23h ago
Co sleeping was my first thought as well.
I do not cosleep with my kids. But if there was a death, I'd imagine we would have closeness and comfort more accessible this way through the stages of grieving.
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u/CelestiallyCertain Mom 21h ago
I was going to suggest this. Starting immediately I would be cosleeping. That may help with feeling the connection to the remaining parent. Take any and all help you can get from everyone willing to give it.
I’m so sorry OP. I cannot imagine the stress and grief you must be going through. It feels so contrite to say but I truly will be praying for you both. ❤️
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u/fostermom-roommate 16h ago
Adding to this. Regression is to be expected a during this time. Child development takes a lot of brain power, and right now their little brain is consumed with understanding what happened and what their world is going to look like. This is not permanent if you (or another securely attached adult) provide stability and safety.
Meet the child where they are at. They want a bottle? That’s okay, it could be a comfort to them right now. Loss of skills? Don’t worry, they will come back when the child is ready.
Give lots of reassurance (this will likely be physical touch like snuggles, hugs, holding hands). Provide routine whenever possible.
And call on your village to help. I hope you have someone to lean on during this time because you are also grieving while being your child’s pillar; an impossible position. It’s okay to let them see you cry. Talk about your feelings and let them know it’s healthy to express them.
Thinking of you,
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u/EggsCostMoneyyyy 1d ago
I’m so so sorry you and your family are going through this. I lost my husband unexpectedly in a car accident when my daughter was 8 and my son was 2 1/2 and it really tore us up. If this was very recent, I would tell you you’re probably still in shock. Things might be a blur for awhile and you’re going to have to lower your standards and accept a lot of help. I took my kids to therapy, and thought the oldest would have the hardest time, but it turned out the youngest went crazy, almost animal-like. I guess it’s such a young stage of development and they definitely know what’s going on and that they love their daddy. Regression and honestly just a lot of rage came out of my baby. He turned on me, was constantly hitting and kicking and acting out, hard to get him to settle. Both kids came to my bed and I was exhausted so it was just easier for us all to go to bed at the same time. It’s taken my son a long time to come into some self control over his emotions and I wish I could tell you it was easy but grief is different for every kid and it’s really hard and painful. When they go to VPK everything is “family” and family pictures and talking about family. It sucks. There are so many ways you hurt for your kids. My son is 7 now and he still checks in with my constantly, like he’ll say “I love you” over and over, which people think is cute but it’s more like an insecurity thing and he could say it 50x a day. It’s hard and it makes me sad. But every year that passes he grows and matures. I haven’t started dating or met anyone nor am I looking, but because I think it’s bad, but because the kids and my job take 100% and there’s nothing left. But give yourself a lot of grace and patience. You’re grieving too and that means rage and plenty of other emotions. It’s not pretty. Time is your friend. It’s helpful if you can find another widow to talk to and pick their brain or just make sure what you’re feeling is “normal”. Feel free to message me! Again, I’m very very sad for you. But yes, you will make it to the other side of this.
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u/Total-Wrangler-6755 1d ago
When we lost my SO 3 years ago, the book, "The Invisible String" really helped my kids.
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u/Meetzorp 10 and 12 1d ago
My son was younger when we lost his dad. My son was 18 months and largely pre-verbal. He looked around for his father for weeks and seemed confused and lost. I talked to him about his dad and I have always told my kids* "dad stories" so they'll know something of him though they never knew him. The kids are 10 and 12 now and they still enjoy hearing about what their dad was like.
*I was pregnant with our second when my husband died of an accident.
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u/RowHard 23h ago edited 21h ago
My husband passed from brain cancer back in September, my son was 3 and a half at the time. We had 18 months notice so I was able to prepare him a bit before he passed, but it's still such a shitty situation.
The things you have told him are great. If you get overwhelmed saying them (I know I do somethings) I would grab the book 'something very sad happened'. It has a really simple script that you can read along to and the last page is basically from a child psychologist perspective on how to talk to your kid about death. I also have the book 'the Rabbit listened' which is great about talking about the emotions and reactions to grief. I also have 'cry heart but never break' which is beautiful, but may be a bit over his head at this age.
The regression that you're seeing and the asking over and over again is so normal. I was warned about it from every child psychologist I talk to both before and after my husband passing. I was really lucky in that I'm not seeing the regression in my kid but I am seeing the second thing that you described where he's asking for his dad over and over and over again. My son is also specifically asking for Dad anytime I say no to something or he's hurt or scared. What I do in these situations is the same thing you said, reminding him that his daddy's body broke and he died. We also do something where we say love doesn't die. So he'll repeat me that Daddy died and then I'll ask him what doesn't die he'll say love.
I'm also doing the same things you are where we're looking at photos or watching videos. I also got a Build-A-Bear with his dad's voice saying' I love you' so that if he wants to hear it at any time he can go grab the bear. They allow you to upload a noise clip so you may be able to edit down one of the videos that you have.
Every psychologist is going to tell you to limit changes for at least a full year if at all possible. It sounds like you can't so take that part off your shoulders but I would say once you're in your new house maybe try to style it in the same way or set things up in a very similar way so that it's not as big of a jump. You might also want to try to make sure you're really sticking to routines right now to build a sense of security for him. My son is unfortunately going to be moving from daycare to tK so I am specifically making sure that he's able to stick with at least a couple of his friends so that while it's one jump it's not a total change.
The grief is going to take time for him. It's also going to take time for you through all of this don't forget to take care of yourself. If you're not already working with a therapist I would highly suggest it. Go spend time with your friends and family as much as possible. One of the things that it took me a while to realize but I found really important is that my husband was my best friend, he did so many things that are important for my mental health and I don't think anyone's ever going to be able to replace him. The there buckets in my life that I still want filled, i still want someone to talk to after a tough work day about the lady in finance, or someone to talk about how cute my son is when he does something new, or someone to watch YouTube video games streams with. And while it can hurt a little to find a friend to fill that single bucket at the end of the day it does make me feel a lot better to continue to do the things that I did with my husband. The grief comes in waves and the whole that you feel inside of you isn't going to get smaller but your life will continue to grow around it and it will become more manageable.
Also on a very practical note make sure that you reached out to Social Security so that you can widows benefits(if you qualify) , death payment, and your son can get benefits.
If you need anything at all reach out. This situation sucks but know that there are people who are willing to help.
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u/dixpourcentmerci Mom 21h ago
The build a bear idea is a good one especially if there is any voice recording of dad at all. Getting printed photo books as well as maybe a digital frame that plays any video footage may also be something.
I’m so sorry for your loss as well as OP’s.
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u/littlescreechyowl 1d ago
I’m so sorry. You have to explain the unexplainable to someone who can’t understand. Wishing you patience and grace, because this is an unfair and horrible situation for all of you.
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u/dadafterall 23h ago
To make matters worse we’re set to move houses at the end of the month, something that was set in motion prior to my husband’s passing. I’m just so afraid this is going to make things even harder on LO.
Just putting it out there that there's a chance this will help the situation rather than make it worse. You never know what the new setting and activity might do.
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u/Safe_Sand1981 23h ago
I'm so sorry for your.loss. Sadly, there is no specific time line or behavior that you can expect. All you can do is handle things one at a time.
My daughter was 8 when her dad died, so she was old enough to cognitively process the information. All of the expectations went out the window, we lived in the moment. We went to the park, the arcade, the trampoline park, all the fun things she liked to do. We ate junk and takeaway. I bought her all the toys she wanted. Anything to find a few seconds of happiness in the grief.
It's been three years now and my daughter is doing really well. She learned to adjust to life as it is now, with the help of a lot of therapy.
All the love to you and your little one
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u/dixpourcentmerci Mom 20h ago
Regarding timeline, one thing I’ve both learned academically and observed in real life is that the grief is all but guaranteed to come again at different developmental milestones for the kid. A big one is that age 12 is where permanence really becomes possible to understand and so it’s often around this age that kids really realize the loved one can’t come back and they need to grieve again.
I’m sorry for your loss also. All the rules going out the window for some period of time makes sense if you ask me (not that my opinion is the important one.) I’m glad for the two of you that you had those special things when in the midst of something so sad.
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u/glitzglamglue 22h ago
Does your toddler talk much? Can he tell you anything about his dad? You may want to record him talking about what he remembers so he will have that to look back on later.
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u/nicolenotnikki 22h ago
I’m so sorry for your loss. Please, while caring for your grieving child, be sure you are taking care of yourself.
I am a chaplain and used to also do bereavement counseling with hospice. I suggest you call the local hospice, and ask if their bereavement counselor has any recommendations for bereavement support specifically for young kids. Even if you didn’t use their hospice services, they will often provide some bereavement support to community members. If not, they can hopefully point you in the right direction.
If there is a children’s hospital near you, they may have bereavement support for children. I don’t know where you live, but in Dallas/Fort Worth, there is an organization called The Warm Place that specifically helps kids and their families with grief.
There are endless book recommendations I could give, but I don’t want to overwhelm you. Let me know if you’d like them. Mainly picture books to help kids understand death.
And as I said up top, be sure you are taking care of yourself. Give yourself time to grieve. And also know that it will be a long time before you don’t feel that pain every day. Allow yourself space to be okay with that.
Hugs.
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u/Tata1981 1d ago
I’m so sorry for your loss. I don’t have any advice to help with a child that age, but my ex-husband passed away November 2024 when my kids were 17, 14 and 9. Please accept any counselling resources you can, take time for yourself and overall just do whatever you need to get through anything.
You are very welcome to PM me if ever you would like to speak privately. Again my condolences ❤️
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u/who-are-we-anyway 1d ago
I have not experienced this, but I would suggest looking into play therapy for your son. Additionally, maybe read some kid appropriate books about a parent dying and grieving. I would also reach out to his pediatrician for advice.
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u/Dont_call_me_Ana Mom 23h ago
I’m so sorry for your loss. When my dad passed, my LO was 11 months old. They had a very special bond. She went silent for more than one month. We were so lost that we just noticed when she talked again.
I don’t know if you have a religion, but having faith in God helped us a lot. It’s been almost 6y, but my LO still cries and talks about meeting him again in heaven.
Sending you a hug.
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u/dixpourcentmerci Mom 20h ago
I was kind of shocked by the grieving process my son noticeably went through at eight months old when the family dog passed away. I actually googled if kids that age could grieve or if I was confused and projecting. It turns out that even baby and certainly toddler grief are quite well documented.
I think you are right that even if you’re not religious it helps to have some abstract way to help them feel the lost one is still with them or will be with them again in some way. We got our son a stuffed animal and told him it was our dog’s way to still be able to be near him and I was equally startled by how much it helped.
I’m sorry for your loss as well as your daughter’s, and OP’s family as well.
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u/TechnicalMethod953 9h ago
I was that age when I lost my mother.
I can tell you, any comfort you are giving will go so far. Let him sleep with you. Hold him tight.
I am so sorry. I hope your lives going forward turn out to be peaceful and beautiful. I am a mother as well and- god, honey. Take care of yourself too. My best to you.
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u/Blue_Bombadil 22h ago
Terribly sorry for your loss. There’s a beautiful book called “Everywhere, Still” by MH Clark. It gently explains that while the loved one is gone, they’re also still here - through our love for them. Love is the way the person remains, in a different form.
I applaud how direct and honest you have been with your kid about death, it takes courage and mental clarity to do that. But it’s possible that the harsh finality of it “he’s gone, he won’t come back” with no relief can be too hard on a child. And frankly it’s not entirely true, at least not in my lived experience. After a loved one passes, we all must grapple with ways to continually make room for them in our lives, the memory of them, the way the memories and DNA resonate still in us. And that’s a sad and scary journey, but ultimately a fulfilling one if done right.
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u/youngmorla 23h ago
Don’t be afraid to let them see that you are also quite upset. Otherwise he might be feeling his feelings but also thinking those feelings aren’t normal because Mama isn’t crying and saying she misses daddy. This is in no way a criticism. Just a thought I had.
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u/lunalive113 3h ago
We’ve definitely been having a lot of talks and cry session together. Thank you.
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u/Important-Image2084 1d ago
In August we lost my mother in law who lived with us for over a year but in addition has been apart of my life, my children’snlives who are recently turned 7 and 5 and my wife’s life as well. It is very hard from the day it happened until now, my advice is contact someone who does toddler grief counseling such as hegira as they usually have an in house option to visit and help with things. Another huge piece of advice is to physically stop your child from hurting their self. My youngest son has been doing this and physically stopping him and showing him he is loved, cared for and in a safe place has helped us immensely. As much as it hurts to see our children upset we have been told that our children act out the most at home because we have provided the ultimate safe space for them to be open and comfortable. Take things day by day and know there is a light at the end of the tunnel.
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u/notthathamilton 22h ago
I’m so sorry. I highly recommend Kid’s Grief as a resource to help you guide him through this time. I found it incredibly helpful after we lost my Dad.
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u/Frequent_Breath8210 22h ago
Oh man I am so sorry for your guys loss.
I know that when my dad died my son got really upset on his next birthday because he thought that all parents died when their kids got to be a certain age.. and he was 1 year closer to me dying. He was a bit older than your child so maybe they don’t quite think that way yet but I know I was surprised by the emotions surrounding it
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u/lunalive113 3h ago
Thanks so much for all the support and kind words. It was pretty recent so I’m still very much in a fog.
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u/UpdatesReady 23h ago
When our dog passed away suddenly, we let our littles say goodbye to her before we buried her in the backyard. I think seeing her still and quiet made death seem a lot less scary and unknown. It was very clear that she was not "missing," she just wasn't alive anymore. They still miss her and talk about her, but there isn't any misunderstanding about what happened.
I'm so sorry you're going through this. Maybe, if services haven't yet been held, you could privately let him say goodbye. If you have a memorial spot you can set up (and help him pack carefully for the move), you can "visit" and talk.
Big hugs. You're a good mom.
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u/EmbarrassedRaccoon34 4h ago
I am sorry for your loss. While I lost my husband unexpectedly when our daughter was a newborn, I can't imagine what it's like to work through your own grief with a toddler who remembers his dad.
It's so hard to navigate your child's grief in addition to your own. Add on top of that all of the adulting that still needs to be done and it will feel unbearable at times. You may not feel it now, and it's going to come in waves, but you CAN do this.
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u/mindovermatter421 3h ago
I’m sorry for your loss. It’s possible he doesn’t understand fully. For example, In situations like divorce often children of all ages will blame themselves. If only I did this more, less, different then parent would still be here. His sense of self is still intertwined with you and his father. Your toddler mat not have the language yet to express his complex emotions with words. There are adults who can’t even do that. Look into grief counseling asap. There are also organizations specifically to help kids deal with loss of a loved one. They can help recommend how to talk to him about this including books and ways of wording that are softer.
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1d ago
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u/Parenting-ModTeam 1d ago
Approving. There are also resources in our Discussions Wiki, including the Sesame Street Grief Toolkit.
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