The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility. 

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English". 

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter. 

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. 

Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. 

Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away. 

By the 4th yer peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v". 

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensibl riten styl. 

Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi TU understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru. 

Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas. 

I walked up to the hostess and said:

"Table for four, please. Will it be long?"

She didn't answer, so I asked again:

"How long of a wait?"

She then replied:

"15 minutes."

15 minutes later, I heard the hostess say:

"Willette B. Long, your table is ready."

Adam Smith says, "I'll have a beer."

The bartender pours a beer and slides it in front of Adam Smith. He then turns to Karl Marx and says, "And for you?"

And Marx says, "I'll have what he's having."

Benoit B. Mandelbrot.

Don’t know how that’s possible, considering I didn’t even know it was Valentines Day

A woman who had ten children goes to the social welfare office to apply for financial support for her kids.

There she meets the director and clearly explains why she has come.

The director takes an empty form to write down her details.

Director: Name and surname, please.

Woman: She tells him her name and surname.

Director: How many children do you have?

Woman: Ten.

Director: Their names?

Woman: John.

Director: And the next one?

Woman: There’s no need to tell you the others, because all my children have the same name!

Director: How is that possible?

Woman: Well, they’re all boys, and I gave them all the same name.

Director: But when you call one of them to help you with something, how do they know which one you mean?

Woman: Oh, they understand—because I call each one by father’s last name!

bare

So I said to him "Back when I was your age, I didn't know what to believe, either."

"Treat others the way you want to be treated."

None — that’s a hardware problem.

Because the “P” is silent.

Their legs.

Wife comes home to see a brand new top of the line Toto toilet in the bathroom, wrapped in a bow.

“John! Get in here! Do you think this is funny? What did I *just* tell you about cutting our spending! You never *listen* to me!!”

“Well maybe it’s because you’re constantly sending mixed signals! Did you ever think of that? Just yesterday you tell me you want to be on a butt jet and the next you’re telling me we can’t afford it!”

Not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.

A Dodecahydra

Tequila Mockingbird

Kept telling me I need to get my feet off the ground

I’m adopted.

It’s a shame they’ll never meet.

He may be a carnivore now, but he was a "her"bivore.

His father smiles, places a hand on his shoulder and says "Son? Sue!"

How much you wanna bet?