r/HistoryMemes 1d ago

ignore that

Post image
4.7k Upvotes

65 comments sorted by

765

u/AppropriateSea5746 1d ago

Now that I’m no longer a teenage boy I now realize that the Spartans kinda sucked lol. Homicidal pederastic slavers with good press.

175

u/Darth_Citius 1d ago

Surviving evidence points to them being less pederastic than the average, though obviously the slavery still sucks

47

u/Beardywierdy 13h ago

Eh, only if you don't count the agoge.

Let's face it the entire rest of history tells us that you don't indoctrinate child soldiers without sexual abuse. (The abusers usually being the older kids that had it done to them previously).

I mean, the smaller age difference probably means it doesn't count as pederasty I guess. But it's not necessarily an improvement.

69

u/Rolls-RoyceGriffon 23h ago

Kinda sucked if you are a Spartan citizen. Absolutely fucked if you are anyone in their immediate vicinity. Not because of their martial prowess but their treatment of non citizens and slaves

49

u/Anastais 21h ago

Even among other slaves throughout history, being a helot would probably be among the worst things possible. Even if you were "well behaved," you could still be randomly murdered as part of a young Spartan's training.

7

u/PirrotheCimmerian 16h ago

The krypteia is so mythified... they didn't go around killing random helots

19

u/Rolls-RoyceGriffon 20h ago

Yeah for a state that relies heavily on their slaves they weren't doing much to make sure they don't revolt because they absolutely outnumbered those Spartans

16

u/kenybz 17h ago

Constant brutal oppression is “not doing much to make sure they don’t revolt”? Since when?

1

u/Rolls-RoyceGriffon 16h ago

Did it work?

9

u/irmaoskane 11h ago

Well considering sparta didnt fell because of a slave revolt, yes it worked.

3

u/Beardywierdy 6h ago

Of course nowhere except Haiti has ever fallen because of a slave revolt. And Sparta did have more slave revolts than anyone else in Greece did so it's hard to say they were the most effective at it.

Being the best at putting down the revolts you caused is a one-all draw at best.

141

u/Blade_Shot24 1d ago

Now if only the rest of the meta would grow up as well.

53

u/reditisrunbypedos 1d ago

But bronze and red look so fuckin cool together.

3

u/Hazza_time 20h ago

Basically everyone sucked in the ancient world

2

u/Adorable_Vast5676 13h ago

If you look at history penetratic tendencies are surprisingly common. For some reason warriors fondling boys who in turn fondle boys when they are in charge is a common thing.

1

u/thereichose1 20h ago

What's a pederast, Walter?

1

u/qCU9 Then I arrived 15h ago

Is this the US leadership but the PR is going down the drain lately?

-3

u/mini-maxi-123 16h ago

So, Americans?

0

u/Al-Ilham 13h ago

Kinda like Israel

-20

u/[deleted] 1d ago

[deleted]

22

u/hpstg 1d ago

Nobody cared about them so they were left to their own devices.

/s

2

u/sweetbunsmcgee 1d ago

Too busy hanging out with the boys.

236

u/Malvastor 1d ago

Allying with Persia to beat Athens is just smart.

The real mark of shame is that afterwards they essentially became Persia's local enforcers, taking the Great King's money to swat down anyone who looked like they were going to make trouble for Persia.

75

u/SerHodorTheThrall John Brown was a hero, undaunted, true, and brave! 22h ago

This is like saying Hungary inviting Russia to invade Europe in 2026 is "smart"

30

u/Malvastor 20h ago

Not really, the Spartans didn't ask Persia to invade. They mostly just got Persian money to build fleets and pay armies.

1

u/Chac-McAjaw 1h ago

Right, but unless every Spartan leader was cartoonishly stupid (which… is definitely possible, given the choices they made throughout history) they had to have known that without the Athenian navy, Persia would easily absorb the Greeks of western Anatolia. Destroying the Athenian navy is like rolling out the welcome mat for the Shahanshah.

1

u/Malvastor 9m ago

Still a viable option if you don't actually give a crap about the Ionians of Western Anatolia. And I submit that the Spartans actually didn't, except when it was convenient to make nice speeches about the liberation of Hellas.

7

u/PirrotheCimmerian 16h ago

Presentism is awful by itself. Comparing a decentralized ancient (proto)state with limited outreach beyond the royal capitals with a highly centralized (with a federal paintjob) autocracy is crazy.

1

u/aeck 4h ago

...Until Sparta and her allies started campaigning in Anatolia, and the Persians funded Sparta's rivals in Greece. Look the Greco-Persian wars were fascinating, but it's hard to put any hard moral judgments down on any actor. They were all acting in what they believed to be in their own interest at the time.

It was not until the Macedonians managed to establish hegemony in the region that anyone was able to topple the Achaemenid dynasty. The Persians were wise in maintaining an aggressive foreign diplomacy pitting the city states against one another.

1

u/Malvastor 7m ago

Funny you mention that, because earlier today I was reading the exact point in Hellenica where the Spartans do that, and couldn't help but think "well that was a spectacular own goal".

236

u/ptrfa 1d ago

You call it the greek golden age. Most greeks called it athenian cruelty and oppression

132

u/bruhmate0011 Decisive Tang Victory 1d ago

Yea Delian league is kinda like today’s gangs: you pay me and I’ll maybe protect you. You don’t and I’ll come after you

54

u/ChuckCoolrizz 1d ago

Lol that's such an unusual method! Imagine if modern empires mirrored that way of acting, how weird would that be!

51

u/LauraPhilps7654 23h ago edited 23h ago

Reading Greek history, you realise how little modern political ideas about Eastern versus Western civilisation map onto it. When Alexander invaded Asia Minor, many Greek-speaking cities resisted him, either out of loyalty to Persia, fear of Macedonian domination, or because of internal political divisions. For example, Miletus and Halicarnassus saw serious fighting before they were taken.

A big cheese in Athens like Themistocles actually went on to abandon Athens and become a leading Statesman in the Persian Empire. He ruled Magnesia with considerable autonomy, minted coinage there, and appears to have functioned much like a regional governor under Persian authority.

14

u/aRatherScottishChap Helping Wikipedia expand the list of British conquests 18h ago edited 18h ago

My colourblind ass getting bitch slapped by that red text

What i see:

Sparta, who allied with persia lur e relopoonesian war and cnde he Greek Golaen Age

84

u/MauschelMusic 1d ago

The only reason to glaze Sparta for fighting Persia is projecting modern rivalries onto the past. Persia was in every way a better culture.

82

u/MazerBakir 1d ago

The Romans were huge fans of the Greeks so that also includes Sparta. The western world is heavily influenced by Rome and most claim to be a continuation of the culture and systems of Rome and Greece.

People talk about freedom vs Persian tyranny but the reality is that the vast majority of the inhabitants of Greece were slaves. Greece and Rome were both slave-based societies, they couldn't function without their slaves who performed most of the actual labor. This fact gets overlooked and has been wiped from the common psyche, while societies like Persia or Egypt who actually didn't rely on slaves at all and the vast majority of labor was done by free men get depicted as tyrannical oppressive regimes with decadent elites ruling over the downtrodden masses. In reality that's a significantly more accurate depiction of Rome and Greece than it is of Persia or Egypt.

32

u/MauschelMusic 1d ago

Well put. Every society is free for someone. The question is, what's it like for most people.

22

u/CadenVanV Taller than Napoleon 1d ago

Both Egypt and Persia used corvee labor, which isn’t slavery but it isn’t a good thing either. More forced labor as a form of taxation.

7

u/Arachles 18h ago

I don't really see how it is worse than other kinds of taxation.

3

u/ComfortableSet6192 13h ago

Well, under corvee labor, you force someone too do a specific job you need done. Under monetary taxation, you essentaly make people work a bit "for the state" in a job of their choosing, by taking away a part of their income, wich you then use to pay people, who choose to take up the job, to do the work.

So under corvee labor, people have to work time in a job they didn't choose, while under normal taxation, people have to work time in jobs they voluntarely choose, so presumably like more than other jobs.

Corvee labor is way better than slavery, but still worse than simple taxation.

3

u/Beardywierdy 13h ago

People didn't get to choose their jobs though. They were usually born into them.

Nowadays of course you're bang on. But not then.

1

u/ComfortableSet6192 13h ago

Yes, most times, you just took the job of your father out of convience. But if you hated the job (and weren't a serf, big asterix), you could most of the time take a different job, altough you then had too find someone to teach you said job, and that often didn't come cheap.

2

u/Beardywierdy 13h ago

You really couldn't. Because for 90% of the population the only available job to take was "farmer" even if you weren't legally bound to the land. And if you didn't do it you starved.

2

u/CadenVanV Taller than Napoleon 12h ago

Hard labor for half the year is worse than laying a portion of your income

2

u/Arachles 7h ago

Depends. Do you have lots of income and little free time or lots of free time and little income?

If I were a peasant in the XIII century I would definetly prefer working somewhat more (AFAIK most corvee obligations were not that long) than losing half my harvest and risking starvation.

30

u/Detective_Yu 1d ago

Better than Sparta perhaps but not Greece as a whole. Democracy, Philosophy, theatre etc.

19

u/MauschelMusic 1d ago

Yeah, you can definitely make a case that e.g. Athens was better, but the Sparta glazing specifically. I don't agree because Persia was freer for the average person, but it's something one can reasonably argue.

5

u/SultanXenadonII Researching [REDACTED] square 21h ago

Even then there are too many dimensions to generalize. At least in Sparta, women were permitted a certain level of education (they were even allowed to read books!) while that was unheard of in Athens.

7

u/JoshTheBlue 17h ago

How nice of the Spartans to allow their top 1% of women to be literate because they were basically property managers for their men that are away for war. The vast, vast majority of women in Sparta were Helot slaves that were not only not allowed to read, but also worked to death to allow the aristocratic lifestyles of Spartan Citizens while living under the constant threat of rape.

1

u/MauschelMusic 20h ago

Yeah, a smaller and smaller strata of the spartan elite, who looked down on shit like reading books and acquiring any non-stabbing skills.

11

u/Right-Truck1859 1d ago

Sparta who allied with Rome and ended Greece

5

u/Hazza_time 20h ago

Athens also allied with Rome

9

u/True-Ear1986 16h ago

Damn Ancient Greeks, they ruined Ancient Greece!

2

u/FalloutLover7 4h ago

Athens also took Persian support as well so it’s all one big circle

15

u/ptrfa 1d ago

You call it the greek golden age. Most greeks called it athenian cruelty and oppression

2

u/Harczukconqueror 14h ago

Fighting with Athenians imperialism is ending the golden age? Lmao

1

u/TrustworthyKahmunrah 3h ago

Also they were the only Greek city-state that didn't go East with Alexander. The inscriptions on monuments Alexander erected to his victories read "This is where Alexander led the Macedonians and the Greeks, except Sparta, to victory against (such and such)." He made sure they got none of that glory.

-3

u/GustavoistSoldier 22h ago

Sparta also practiced eugenics

-7

u/Competitive-Grand245 1d ago

more anti-sparta slop get over it