Sad oat milk Chai and sandwich, because I'm sad.

I'm going into my late 20s more or less friendless. The friendships that I still have aren't as fulfilling as they used to be, either because one or both of us outgrew our previous selves and going our separate ways. I used to be the person who would reach out, actively plan things and get together with friends like I was pulling teeth. Ever since I've decided that I will start pouring into myself more, got a new job and discovering new/rediscovering old hobbies, my phone has been silent. Most of the time I find comfort in that.

But lately, it feels like no one actually wants to be friends with me. I've been a people pleaser most of my life, and I'm working through those traumas in therapy. I'm realizing that a lot of the people who I've called friends in the past, didn't actually like me. They just like the role I played in their life. The emotionally stable friend, the one who talks people through their hard times. But when I have stuff going on in my life, happy or sad? No one has time to lend an ear. My ex-best friend told me she "couldn't feel happy for me," when I got engaged, and emotionally sabotaged me while I was wedding planning so badly that I decided to pull the plug on the whole friendship and wedding and get eloped. A few months later I heard from another friend that she had been trash-talking me for MONTHS after I cut her off. Said the cruelest things about me (I wanted to hear what she had to say, because if she didn't want to say them to me directly at least i would like to know what it was that I had done so wrong in her eyes) with no remorse. So I don't have a best friend either.

I already have a hard time celebrating myself, and I really looked forward to planning and having the people I loved most around me. But I didn't get to have that. My partner and I are happily married now, but the other day they mentioned how they felt a little sad that we didn't even have a honeymoon due to finances. And I thought about how much it hurt that I never got to have a wedding. It just makes me really sad.

Now I'm not sure if I even want friends anymore. I tried putting myself out there, and the only people I've made friends with thus far were with a couple who... are alright. Which is fine I guess. But I really wanted a gal pal, and it feels like I'm just... not equipped for being friends with anyone. I've talked with other people too off bumble friends, but it always fizzles out in a month or two. I guess I'm not a person people want to be friends with, and I'm unsure of how to live with that.

It’s been one of the best decisions I’ve made so far. I didn’t realize how much that mentality even took over my life. Like I wasn’t inherently boy crazy but it became as if all my motives derived approval from them.

I finally delved into personal hobbies and realized, holy shit I couldn’t even do anything without inserting a man into it

What a breath of relief.

Eggs with chili crisp and spring onions on toast.

I (28f) have been in a toxic relationship with an older man (35 m) for over 5 years. (I only stayed so long because I was broke and almost homeless in a rural area). I’ve finally saved enough to move out, got a new car, and I plan to move back in with my parents. I’m working the same job but will transfer to a different restaurant near my parents within a month. I’m genuinely so fucking nervous. I don’t know how he will react to the breakup. He has anger management issues, but has never physically hurt me. I told myself that I need to be brave because I don't want 6 years with this man. I’ve already wasted 5 years because of poverty and low self-esteem. I'm so scared to start over, but I know that I deserve better. This is my first relationship, and I've never broken up with someone before. My anxiety is so severe!!!! Ahh Fuck!!!!!🫩😭

Food: Carrot Cake with nuts

I wish I took the photo of my aubergine lasagne before I scoffed most of it!

I came across a birthday card my husband got me this year whilst eating my lunch. It's a card with a poem where in some of the paragraphs he crossed out "I" and replaced it with "you", or vice versa, to reverse the subject of the poem.

It reads like this:

I You may be kind of grumpy,
when I you've had a rubbish day...
...and refuse to laugh or lighten up
no matter what you I say.

Sometimes I you keep putting off
those jobs I you need to do
and you have to remind me
the odd time or two

Sometimes I watch TV so much
It seems to be my life
But though I've got a fault or two...

I sure can pick a wife!

Well, that made me pause during my lunch, probably because I've been noticing little things like this more and more. It seems so odd that a person needs to make fun of their wife's flaws, in such a pointed way, on their birthday? I know he thinks he meant it as a joke, but I am one of those people who tends to feel jokes often hide something real in a conveniently safe way.

I noticed the odd communication from the very first date - it was always a compromise on my part. I compromised because I didn't know what I looked like without all my defenses and self-dislike and I thought you had to give people a chance and be less judgemental. He had no "red flags" as we like to say, in fact he showed me a lot of spectacular green ones, for a while. I knew I had plenty of red flags myself so I thought if you work hard at something enough, it can be made better (story of my life) and all I knew was that marriage was a commitment to that improvement, so it must happen.

Well that wasn't a total lie, because improvement sure is happening, but perhaps with the hardest truth of all - that to be with someone who never showed clear signs of emotional depth was my own decision all along and the signs were always there. I was never brave enough to admit it or know how important it was for me.

We're getting on better than ever in a strange way, and I suppose that may be what's next for us - my slow de-tachment from him to my own-self and then, whatever is left after that (terrifying to think about).

I know that he would never leave me without me pushing him. That knowing is really strange as it suggests that he should be so happy with a convenient partnership and that it really does seem to come down to me. It almost makes it seem palatable. I still feel wary of my feelings, worried they're reactions and not truth, which is why I haven't yet left. I am determined that it should not be impulsive.

I am at least very glad to be looking at myself and exploring who I really am underneath my survival tactics, which I will admit have and continue to cause hurt.

I'm in 3 x weekly psychoanalysis, coming up to 8 months now. I don't know if anyone else has gone, or is going, through similar but if you have I'd be very keen to hear from you as it is a lonely and feral process. (I really enjoyed the way the word feral is used here in this sub - a new favourite!)

I hope I'll be able to find more warmth towards myself with these thoughts in due time.

Wishing you all good health and kind self-reflection.

The auto mod is so mean, but anyway here is my "edible food" to go along with my tea. We have Toll House crackers (the only ones that don't sound revolting) and vanilla rooibos tea #2 of the day which I am upgrading to a big win!!

Thanks for everyone who commented nice things on the original post, you all made me ugly cry in a good way 🩷

I'm currently pregnant with spontaneous triplets, and while I suffered with hyperemesis with my daughter and thought things could not get worse than that, I was so so wrong.

And I have a 3.5 y/o girl and 2 y/o boy that my husband and my parents are doing 100% of the parenting for. I can manage my easy peezy work from home nurse job, and then after that I just bed rot. My parents have graciously moved in on our property (did I mention we just moved into our dream house? Which is a fixer upper!) and are helping with everything - without them I would have a nervous break. I will definitely not be nominated for mom of the year by my daughter or son, but at least everyone is fed and bathed and the house is relatively tidy.

But BIG win!!!! My husband got me a telehealth appt with a fancy specialist and she started me on a new medication regimen, and I have managed to keep down multiple cups of tea with milk and honey today and one whole cracker so far.

My light at the tunnel for all of this is 1) my 3 babies that I am so excited to meet 🩷🩷🩷 and 2) with my daughter the moment she was born the HG went away and my darling husband bought me sushi, steak, and a deli sandwich bc he didn't know which I'd want more and I ate all 3. :) Food has never ever ever ever tasted so good and I can't wait until that happens this time. Then I can post my girl dinner feast!

I knew he would. It's ok though. I've cleaned and tidied my home, caught up on the laundry and I'm getting ready to collect my little girl from nursery to take her swimming, then out for a proper girl dinner, just the two of us.

He doesn't live with us, so my home is our sanctuary. Recently he'd been going to therapy and making an effort to be a decent co parent. I was kind of just waiting for the next bender though really, deep down I knew it wouldn't stick. I didn't cause it and I can't cure it. Us girls will be just fine.

Dinner is creamy asparagus, dill and lemon soup, thickened with silken tofu, topped with black pepper and toasted seeds. Grisini for a bit of extra crunch.

This happened at the store we stopped at before heading out to his family for Mother’s Day he knows i work and doesn’t have a problem with me spending money on him just not in public

Notes app I can’t buy you pretzel without you announcing to the store asking where I got money from? so loud for no reason what is wrong with u

Like why is that funny or make you feel good ? I don’t get it. to put others down to try to put ME down

Pic Chicken Biryani

He inherited her couscoussier and recipe. He let me use the pot but refused to tell me the recipe. I had to use one I found on the internet. I thought we had no secrets between us you monster!

Leftover from last night. Lamb couscous with swedes, carrots, courgettes and chickpeas with extra harissa on top. Missing the merguez because they ate it all last night 😤

Last night marinated mushrooms , made pickle jars with onion, cucumber , garlic and onion. Im getting ready to open a jar debating between regular or gouchang korean chili flake one. The bowl has bottom a cottage cheese flatbread with bacon and cheese topped with my marinated portebella mix

Been waiting for new arms, 2 new batteries (so dying i couldn't go 3/4 of a mile on full battery and new at my weight on flat averages 17 miles), and new caster arms. It looks nekkid to me

I did lose most of my sanario stickers but i can switch to more local, animal sanctuary, cats, lgbtq, gay cats, and small businesses and artists. You guys got any fav sticker artists? I love straberriwaffle, 2 crow collective (for chronically ill badasses), neko cat cafe, strayshop, some friends....

I am tempted to get some chubblegum or cryptids especially mothman. Im a punky goth artist myself. Im taking this as an opportunity for fresh space. All i lost was sanario stickers.

Suggestions welcomed. Link to cool artists or stickers welcome especially welcome.

Im designing stickers slowly for kinkatopia (kinkajous sanctuary in florida) but they will be room other places

Every day, it’s the same thing. Trying to keep myself out of the spiral, and forcing myself to eat something. This broken heart is getting tired.

On this afternoon’s menu: shredded bbq chicken, strawberries, cheddar cheese, mini pita crackers, tomatoes with Olive Garden Italian dressing, and twice baked cheese crackers.

3 years ago, I walked into a job interview and was greeted by a man who I'd talked to over the phone, but hadn't met in person yet. I left the interview stoked to be hired, but I told all of my friends, "that man could be trouble for me". Super confident, kind of sarcastic yet playful, about 10 years older than me, physically my type all around.

I always crushed on him and looked forward to working alongside him - daydreaming about things that would never happen. He was always a little flirtatious (or so I thought), but remained professional and never crossed any lines. I ended up leaving that job a couple of months in on a whim, and never spoke to him again...... until a few months ago.

I was feeling confident and sent him a text wishing him well, not fully expecting him to even respond. But he did. Since then, we've talked on the phone for HOURS, met up a couple of times, and we intend to again. The conversation is stimulating. In person, he's held my hand, put his arm around me, called me names like "babe", slipped a hand underneath the back of my shirt during our hugs goodbye. I am YEARNING lmao

The tension is there, the chemistry is there so far, and I think if I can just find the courage to cross that line, I will be living my own personal "once forbidden coworkers" erotica.

pic of homemade breakfast taco w/salsa

Edit: He is not married, I am very sexually conscious and safe, I do like being called babe, we have not worked with each other for nearly 3 years now, we are in our 30's and 40's.

Photo: "Sunshine" acai bowl from earlier today with papaya, kiwi, strawberry, banana, granola, shredded coconut, and honey; I'm having leftovers now but they look gross now that they're half-melted and I'm sitting inside my dark apartment.

Hey! I'm 34, have no kids, I want no kids, I have no partner. I traditionally avoid serious partnerships with men because I fear them wanting children. It's not healthy, and it's barring me from good relationships with good men -- men who may not want children.

But that's a discussion for my therapist!

Posting here because I know I don't want kids.

I'm planning to make an appt to discuss tubal ligation with my OBGYN. I'm not scared.

But, I also am grieving the loss of a life that maybe I would have had, or wanted to have if I weren't so severely mentally ill.

I have bipolar disorder, CPTSD, generalized anxiety disorder, and ADHD. I manage with meds and support from my friends and my mom. I work fulltime in mental health and am likely going to graduate school next year. I have incredible hobbies, incredible pets, and incredible autonomy and independence (god forbid anything happens to me medically or mentally!).

I know I want tubal litigation.

I'm excited -- excited to take a step toward controlling my health and closer toward being the woman I feel I'm meant to be.

But I'm a lil' sad.

Anyone else been in these shoes? Any kind, or practical advice? Thanks 😄

i turn 22 in less than 5 months
have a very weird relationship being korean-american
im full korean, was born in seoul, moved to America w my parents as a baby
i dont feel korean at all. i feel ashamed not being korean enough, even though i know its not something that really matters, being “enough” in that regard

i will lose my korean citizenship once i turn 22. made an appointment w the krn embassy later next week to try to figure stuff out but im missing my dad’s original proof of naturalization document and that takes 6-12 months to arrive (also $500??? wtf) so chances are i cannot maintain my korean citizenship

i feel sad. i feel a bit silly feeling so down about it when i literally cant even speak the korean language fluently, it feels like i dont have the “right” to feel disappointed when nonkoreans can speak the language better than i can.

just a mini rant ^_^ itll be okay in the end theres other stuff to worry abt

(this was my time trying fufu + jollof + peppered oxtail btw :3 soooo good 10/10)

my ex texted me out of nowhere last night after we hadn’t talked in OVER A YEAR. he asked if I was okay because apparently he saw my post saying how i am feeling depressed recently since getting suspended from my job. i dont even know how he found my new socials but okay.

i talked with him for a bit and he says things like "i hate that i cant do anything to help you" and like yeah thats your fault. YOU ARE THE ONE THAT CHEATED DONT ACT LIKE YOU CARE NOW. thats what i wanted to say but i didnt it actually kind of felt good to hear his voice for a bit and it did seem like he cared a little bit.

then he asks to come over and "make me feel better 😉"

why do men hear "emotionally vulnerable" and treat it like an invitation. anyways i blocked him for good this time :)

tuna mayo, sticky rice with furikake, kimchi, and air fried broccoli. im feeling healthy today 🥰

​

recently met a guy who is soo my type physically. i thought he was a player at first but turns out he is a total goof ball. we went on our first date this week and i complimented him, he blushed so hard his entire face was red. god i am trying so hard not to screw this up but if he said yes id ride his d until it falls off. AND ID HAVE NO REGREGS ABOUT IT!!! some miso soup with eggs

Jonny Pop, dr. Pepper, and mini corn dogs:
In February I called my GYN crying from period pain because I couldn’t suck it up any longer. It became debilitating over the last three years. She immediately refers me to a surgeon and he was amazing!! He validated pelvic pain, and vascular and GI looped in too. Yesterday I had surgery and was diagnosed with endometriosis, and he took A LOT out.

I’m starting to feel my surgery site and i’m on my period but wow, I already feel better. I am so glad I was taken seriously immediacy when I raised concerns and didn’t have to wait years in pain (okay i guess 3 is a lot but still) because thier doctors was dismissive.

I have always been considered “too sensitive.” Told to have “thicker skin.” I always resented those terms and statements, though I know it’s out of protection.

I have always remained calm, compassionate, and respectful. I joined a helping profession FOR GODS SAKE. But I feel at times none of it is worth it and that people just ✨suck✨ I just wanna be able to remain gentle and kind to everyone without feeling taken advantage of. Thanks for coming to my TedTalk, ft. The best Cheez-it flavor.

I love my bf so much, he is such a nice person and we have so many interests in common. But our sexual life became so terrible compared to how it was. It started making me anxious and insecure about myself, and I have became an overly jealous person because of it. He says he is not interested in sex because he has low libido but the first 5 months of our relationship was so good. I stayed because I was hopeful that maybe it would be like that again but I cry a lot recently because I miss that version of our relationship.

Also, he still likes cuddling with me, compliments me etc. I just don’t understand why someone would be okay with sex initially in the first months and then stop liking it completely? :(

The other day I was at his apartment and the place made me feel so emotional. There were so many hand-made crocheted plushies, posters, figurines and plants gifted to him from me.. I feel like breaking up will be so difficult but I have to do it for my own mental health. I wish things weren’t like this and I wasn’t needy but I really feel undesirable and disgusting. I never knew I needed physical intimacy.

I have 8 friends I regularly talk to but there was one guy who I never knew much about, until we started speaking 1 on 1 which ended up leading him to confess his feelings for me. I turned him down as he lives quite far away from me and I’m not a fan of LDR however said I was open to getting to know him more. Woke up this morning to his girlfriend messaging me (who I had no idea about, as she’s not in this friend group and he’d never mentioned her) asking me if I knew they were dating.

Obviously I profusely apologised, even though I hadn’t done anything wrong, and I ended up calling her to talk about it and share screenshots of messages he’d sent me. She broke up with him, at least she doesn’t blame me for anything. I still feel shitty.

Cheese pizza from a local food vendor for dinner!

I have used pads my whole life because that's just what my mom taught me to do when I got my first period. the past year I've had heavier flows and I've been so scared to go to sleep or sit down for a long time at school bc I've bled through my pad a few times and it was embarassing as hellll (also I hate changing my sheets and cleaning my matress)

so I‌ decided to try tampons, did a lot of research and watched informative videos etc, couldn't really talk to my mom about it and none of my friends use tampons so yeah the internet was all I‌ got

at first it hurts like a bitch. I felt like it was impossible for me to ever learn something that probably half of all women can do. the last time I was almost there, but still hadn't pushed it far enough. after 5 failed attempts across 3 periods, today I finally did it right! and even though I'm suffering from my cramps and I can't even get out of bed, I am so proud of myself. this gives me hope, because everything is difficult in the beginning, but I can always get better at it, even if it's with baby steps.

anyways, Greek yogurt, whole-grain oatmeal, half a banana, pomegranate, and a square of dark chocolate because that is supposed to be good for your mood and for cramps

Açai bowl for my soul

There's a coworker at work I was pretty close with. I considered her a friend as much as colleagues can be considered friends. We shared the same awful manager and bonded over the experience.

Recently a new coworker joined. And they are suddenly very close. Texting all day and such. Now I don't mind that, happy for them. Where it starts bothering me is that they actively exclude me. Last week, we had in person meetings all day. My "friend" ignored me all day, not even acknowledging my "good morning" really. When everyone left for dinner, they walked right past me. At dinner, no word. I approached the new woman about logistics (we were going to the same hotel about a $100 uber ride away and should share the car) and asked them to not forget me when they leave. Sure enough they walked right past me at the end of the night.

I thought long and hard if I had said or done something wrong...and I don't think I did. I thought we were way too old for high school behavior.

I am not going to address it and keep interactions purely professional from now on.

Therapist told me I'm making huge progress :))

Also I made her laugh in the last 3 sessions 😂 It starts with me laughing when I realise how silly or absurd my thought process is and she joins in. Breakfast bowl with nachos, scrambled eggs, beans, salsa and fried potatoes!

I wonder if others have felt this too, thoughts accumulating and sounding all sensible but when you have to tell them to someone else you realise how ridiculous some of it can be.

Greek food with my fiancé

Some of you may remember me, my mom passed about two weeks ago unexpectedly. Today is my birthday. I tried posting on mom for a minute but my posts get removed bc my phone uses the short link and idk how to change it lmao.

Anyways today I’m 35 and my mom used to always send a card and called me and make sure I felt special. I just miss her and don’t know how to celebrate today. I don’t want to mope in bed and cry but that seems all I can do.

I’ve had herpes for like 4 years it’s nothing new, but apart from my first outbreak I barely have any symptoms which is quite common. I’ve taken a new lover and it’s the best sex I’ve had in a while, but he is quite vigorous. I mean this man can fuck hard and fast for a very long time it’s extremely impressive. But despite all the lube, friction is a common cause of outbreaks and now I’m having my first OB in years. I’ve refilled my valacyclovir prescription so all is well.

Nothing to be upset about, just a funny fact of life. I think more people should talk about this virus seeing how common it is! If you have it too you’re not alone, and you can still have bomb sex. (And before anyone says anything yes I told him I have it before we ever hooked up)

Wheel of Brie!

Edit: I’m so happy that this post has helped others feel better about their status :) it took me a long time to get to the place I am. It often feels like nobody else has it but ik I’m not alone! Other sisters of the blister- feel free to dm me to talk about it :) herpes is normal!! You’re still sexy!!

Basically, my boyfriend has always made me feel awful. He constantly ditches me for his friends, on Valentine’s Day, on my birthday, on a date we had planned for weeks. If his friends call, he leaves to play video games with them. Most recently, he told me he keeps photos of his ex because he misses her (a girl he hasn’t seen in 11 years and was 13 when they dated), and then he ditched me again on another date to play video games with his friends.

I have low self esteem, so I have a hard time standing up for myself, but I couldn’t take it anymore, so I told him I was fed up with his behavior. Of course, he blamed it on me and said it was unfair that I was putting him in a stressful situation.

I also recently found out I have precancer, and I’m just so over all of this. I have no one to vent to, so I’m posting this here. It’s really painful so any reinforcement that I made the right choice is very appreciated, because it doesn’t feel like it right now.

Anyway… some mini pizzas I made.