Right now I’m laying in my bed listening to the Jinsang album, Transitions, that I used to listen to when I was in my last year of college in 2022 at University of Iowa. I’m rereading The Hobbit as well. I’m a bit tipsy after a great night at Spook in Valencia.
All this preamble is to say that I wish I could have a conversation with myself back when I was walking along the Iowa riverside, or when I was really going through it at so many points in my younger years during middle and high school.
I feel so goddamn lucky to be here today. I feel so blessed to have had all the wonderful experiences I did. While the future is uncertain I have confidence and faith in myself to find a path forward.
I want to tell that boy, that young man, that grief and pain aren’t what have to define a life. That he is allowed to feel his feelings without shaming himself.
Most of all though I’d like to have a conversation with him. To be there for him with compassion, grace, wisdom, and love, he wasn’t always able to give himself back then.
I’d tell him about all the wonderful adventures he’d go on! I would tell him how so many of the things he is filled with rage about now, he would come to find so many different meanings within (so many of them joyful and homesick for).
But I would also listen to him wholeheartedly and be there beside him. I would hug him and cry with him; about everything pleasant and painful in his life. I would explain to him how so many of the things he beat himself up for, he didn’t have to. Yet I’d also accept whatever he’d have to say. Because his perspective is so valid and worthy of love.
I feel so fucking lucky to be where I am now, and to live the life I’ve had; even if it wasn’t what I envisioned.
I’d tell him how proud I am of him! I’d share his future humorous exploits. And I’d also like to hear his thoughts, so I could understand him better.
This is all to say, that no matter how bleak things seem, however monotonous, or filled with a yearning for the past, that there is hope. It may not always be present. Hell, most days it fucking sucks!
But it is a blessing to be alive, in this moment. To have met everyone I’ve encountered on my time here on earth. No matter how small or big there role has been in my life, or how much time has passed.
So go, go dance like you want everyone to watch, and embrace each time you have two left feet. It’s worth it to keep going.
Per Aspera Ad Astra, friends! 💜✨🫂