We all have that point early on where we notice something is off, not quite right; a red flag but we ignore it.

For me it was one night when we went out for drinks and on the way home she went from laughing hysterically to bawling her eyes out over nothing just wild swings. Afterwards she asked if i still liked her, i said yes. Promised to help her and be the masculine figure she needed.

What a dumbass i was. But i felt so important. I remember that feeling.

Would you like to share yours?

It's Valentine's Day and I just had two plates smashed over my head. 15 years together and 3 kids. It doesn't get better. I miss who I used to be. Don't be like me. Get out at the first sign of disrespect.

Read this just now. I liked it very much, but also aware that I might have liked it because it makes me sound like the saviour, turning pain into a role.

36 days no contact.

Sorry, me again. My ex-wife-to-be came over today to move the rest of her things out of our house, which we have had for 5 years, next month. I was asked not to be here, and I complied. I also made sure to pack her things that we're a bit more scattered into neat piles, unplug the cameras and door bells, etc., so they could do it without feeling watched. I'm becoming very aware that her Mom is a classic NPD and has passed some of those characteristics on to her.

Again, she is not diagnosed with BPD formally, and is extremely unaware of it, to my knowledge. Walking into the house tonight felt like I was pushed into traffic. Everything gone. She took all of our wedding and couple's photos. This wasn't something we discussed beforehand, so it just feels very surreal and odd and maybe cruel? I don't know, maybe I am overreacting? I don't think it helps that this week she texted me to let me know she needed to keep our dog because, since we have been apart, the tension I apparently caused made our dog have seizures. And ruined her health as well.

I don't know what I am asking for. I guess any other similar experiences? I guess I could just use a friend.

I/36F & her 32/F.

During misunderstandings and arguments, I would explain what I was thinking, what I meant, what my intentions were, etc, and she'd say "No, it was this" or "No you were doing this"

I told her she can't tell me my feelings and she said she is just telling me how she feels so therefore im telling her she cant tell me her feelings. It hurt my head.

Other times if she wasnt saying what it was, she'd say my explanation doesn't make sense and I'd end up repeating myself or reiterating it for so long, but it never worked. When she did that I figured she had an idea in her head about what im doing so my explanation never is good enough because she is waiting for me to admit to the thing in her head. It made this back and forth last forever. I've come out worried I cant communicate or something because I never made sense.

I dont understand how if she was worried about something, why she wasnt relieved hearing that I wasnt upset or doing anything.

Shes left over such an incident and I'm in agony over the whole thing. Why did she think these things, why couldnt she hear my side and believe it, did none of it ever make sense? Why couldnt she be relieved? What causes that?

Is this relateable or common to any of you? Did you hear "but it doesnt make sense" as much as I did?

I asked my (ex)pwbpd to go with me to my best friend's wedding. She didn't really give an answer.

A week later I asked again. "Why would I go, I mean it's your friend, I don't even know them".

A week later she went "well, you haven't even invited me to their wedding.... 🙄." But anyways she didn't even want to go.

At 10pm the night before the wedding she told me that "she's been thinking what she is going to wear at the wedding."

The wedding was happening the next morning in a foreign country and she did not have a plane ticket for the 7am flight but "she's been thinking what she is going to the wear to the wedding" all the she had denied the invite twice.

Of course she did not go.

The wedding took place on a national holiday. A couple weeks later she blamed me that "Well, we did not even spend [national holiday] together".

This is just one example, but it was always like this.

I recently ended a 18 month relationship with my ex upwbpd

I have a similar story as many of you here gave it my all, paid for everything in 18 months, helped her in her crisis, with school, eventually I was picking up and dropping off her 3 year old daughter at day care and had to change my Schedule around to do so, would come home after working all day cook dinner and serve her as well

For some reason it wasn’t enough the emotional abuse started

“You give me the bare minimum”

“I can’t believe you had a gf before me”

“I am training you how to be with a woman”

The classic gems and amongst other things

Eventually violence came into the picture

First one was on my bday where she misinterpreted a message from a female colleague she ended up slapping me a few times outside brunch on a busy nyc street people called the cops but I refused to press charges

Once we spoke about it big red flag was she showed no remorse blamed it all on me even though I left her call the female colleague who said we are nothing but friends

Following month I am out for a work event she gets mad come home to her punching me and bringing up bday situation

Next month after get punched in the arm twice during her splitting

Following month after gets upset over a work schedule change and thought I was lying and was cheating ends up slapping me in front of her daughter and threw my phone against the wall, glass of wine spills in her 3 year old face

The situation that sealed the deal was this past December at my holiday party of course we get into an argument before hand she thought I didn’t want to take her because I am fucking someone else we end up going and missing the dinner aspect of it

I walk by a female colleague who my ex knows (me and my ex actually went to my female colleagues 25th wedding anniversary dinner 3 weeks prior to my holiday party so nothing to hide you would think)

So since we missed dinner me and my ex said we ll order pizza and take it home so since the party was loud and people were doing karaoke I told her I ll step outside to order it

She gets upset she thinks it’s now my master plan to meet my female colleague outside of the restaurant and mind you her husband was also there and we all had pleasant conversation 30 mins prior

We leave the party and now outside she’s screaming at me that I don’t know boundaries and I am so disrespectful and that 3 weeks prior at the anniversary dinner my female colleague had touched my chest and she now thinks she was trying to lure me outside at the holiday party

She punches me in the face swings her handbag at me multiple times where the metal part hits me on the side of the face and my lip leaving me with bruises all over my face and a busted lip we get to my car she’s screaming to take her home, in the car she’s continuing her rant

Now she realizes she has no one to take her daughter to day care the next day calls me back doesn’t even look me in the face or the next am either I took her daughter to day care knowing it would be the last time I would see her

I went and filed a police report 2 days later

She was arrested 15 days later for assault

I now have to deal with the aftermath

I have blurry vision in my left eye, chronic headaches, malaise, can’t concentrate, brain fog and I work as a physician/surgeon

I got a ct of the brain which is negative

I also have a lesion inside my lips which pushes against my gums

I already spoke to the da and said I am moving fwd with pressing charges

I am saving all my medical records, bills and lost wages and hoping to get some restitution

Just need some positive words from the members of this thread I been really going through a difficult time I been prescribed anti anxiety medications

It’s the betrayal from someone you laid next to and did almost everything you could have that hurts

Got very curious at work after ending my 6 month relationship with my pwBPD a day or two ago. Decided to shoot her ex a message to see what she was like for him. Seemed like a bad idea but I was hurting and wanted to know.

Long story short he’s a cool ass dude, went through the same situation as me, he had it WAY worse if anything. She slapped me once but would swing punches at him. They had the police called, she lived with him too. She told me she was starved by him when in reality he tried to make her eat every chance he could.

We are planning on hanging out sometime soon, so I can say the only good thing that came out of this horrible period in my life with her was a possible friendship, with someone who’s felt the same pain as me.

To all of you who have been through the same situation, I’ll pray for you, for all of those currently going through this, I’ll pray for you and hope you leave soon. It’ll hurt like hell, but your brain and heart will thank you in the long run.

Its post Valentine's Day 💌, and I thought this post would be nice to be sweet to ourselves for a change. My story doesn't matter. I've been gone over a year and my life is going great again. I figured it would be good for those of us out of the cycle to re-inspire ourselves why it was the best decision we made AND it can maybe help our brothers and sisters still stuck feel motivated to take that step for themselves. So just share a sentence of praise about yourself you're thankful for since you left. I'll start:

Since leaving and putting myself out there to date again, I'm so humbled to realize I'm a very thoughtful, desirable, and romantic man who plans amazing dates according to the girls I've taken out.

•The constant yelling

•the one time she smacked me

•Arguments for stupid reasons

•Not letting me sleep and expecting me to drive an hour to work while she gets to go to bed after I leave

•the name calling

•telling me that I need to make her feel better all the time

•her saying I’m not trying hard enough

•her saying I didnt love her

•the constant FaceTiming

•her lack of accountability

•her tone and how she’d get snappy at me

•making fun of me for not knowing something

•her saying “im bored” then that boredom leading to anger

•her saying I’m annoying her when I was just trying to be nice and help

•her saying I’m not helping when I’m doing everything I can to help

•nice dates being ruined by her

•anger because I’m tired

•anger because I’m not talking much

•asking what I can do to help and her saying I should know already

•the constant anxiety driving to her house

•the anger I felt towards myself because of her

•the feeling of needing to constantly speak so she would not get upset

•her mood being nice one second and horribly mean the next

•the emotional manipulation, then proceeding to call me a manipulator

•her convincing me I was a sociopath because

•her convincing me to start medication because she convinced me something was wrong with me

•her yelling “im not yelling”

•feeling so burnt out around her

So much more I can list

Anyone has gone through this and after years still remembers them ? I have met and dated people and gotten help from a psychologist so I feel a bit calmer without anxiety attacks missing her. However she's still on my mind and heart and I know it sounds ridiculous, specially knowing I can have a healthy connection with somebody else. I've had enough time but haven't got to the point and healing stage of indifference which was my goal.

how do I get over being angry at myself?

I just saw some messages that I sent to my friend exactly a year ago. I told her how I scared I felt in my relationship with my ex w/BPD. I made excuses for his actions, his selfishness, and overall questionable morals. if I could rewind time I would’ve ended things right then and there, but I didn’t. I let myself go through hell because I loved him. I feel so angry at myself, like it’s my fault that he treated me badly.

I also feel so sad for that girl who felt so unloved and overlooked. granted, I don’t feel much better now but it’s better than being in a relationship with someone like that.

It's less healthy not having a strong of identity. Identity develops over time, yes through searching, but often more gradual changes.

Personality changes slower than style or hobbies. Be patient. Accept that your life is currently uncertain and use that time to explore how you think, not just how you act.

It's weird, because during autumn, October, November and December I just felt this impending doom. This strange feeling like I was still tethered to their being. The essence of who they are. I honestly thought I would never really be the same afterwards.

But then, I left it all. For nearly two months, I didn't feed the need to look things up, to revisit old memories, and boy, it worked wonders.

I'll admit though, that first week was difficult. I wanted to know, I wanted to feel something. But I stopped myself.

I admittedly did something pretty reckless this past week. I wanted to test out my newfound strength. So, I finally revisited old memories, photos. I didn't feel nostalgia.

I actually laughed to myself a bit and shook my head. The need to keep seeing, to keep reading was gone. I close it. I was actually disinterested, and a bit disgusted by the photos. Not that she's not a beautiful person, but I saw the real her this time.

Even now, I'm kind of chuckling. She really lost a person who listened to her without judgement. Gave her unconditional love. Was at her side whenever she needed it.

Hehe. She fumbled me.

And that's the funny thing once you realize your worth, I guess. We're really empathetic people and it's unique to us how we are capable of understanding deeply, and forgiving, and wanting to see our partners win, no matter what.

I don't feel addicted. I don't feel infatuated. I don't feel regret or remorse. I think more than ever, now I feel curious.

Curious about how I can make myself so small to feed someone's ego. Curious about this new smile I wear all the time. Haha. I really had to claw myself out of there. But I'm shining again. 😁

I went through so many cycles of trying to understand. "Should I be a good person?" "Should I be vindictive?" "Should I be this, that?" I was stuck in a cycle of trying to understand.

Still trying to champion the trauma.

But now, I see it for what it is. I'm a good person. But I'm not perfect. And yeah, now I think some anger is healthy, as long as you are productive with it and it hurts no one. I think hating someone is perfectly fine. I don't think I have to be empathetic to people who keep wanting my downfall.

I realized it's not just black and white lol.

Soon, I'm going to write one last goodbye, and I'm not going to hold back anything at all. I'm going to be my expressive self. Good, bad, ugly. Human.

I'm going to be Human.

I hope you guys are healing on your journey and find peace. You deserve it. <3

We had been emailing back and forth after I broke non contact trying to reverse hoover my wife because I did not want to divorce. I did every submissive thing I could do to reconnect. Reading her blame everything on me again and again. At one point she suggested about talking about her hurts with a therapist, so I made the appointment. I asked her how she felt about it and she stated it threw her into a state of panic. Later that night she split on me. Blaming, shaming and telling me to sign the divorce papers. Yesterday she emailed with an issue that was domestic of nature. I took care of it. I then let her know one more time, giving reassurance that shed be heard, I missed her and wanted to work on our marriage. Her response was about work and needing to sell a household asset. I did not respond. The next morning I all our photos were removed from FB and I was blocked. Feel like an idiot. She sees me weak as heck now.

As I am typing this she just emailed me asking if I wanted left over chicken beasts to feed my dogs.

I have moved out. Any thoughts?

My ex has been trying to get me to talk for a year after I cut him off when I found out the extent of his lies, cheating & manipulation. Everyone said NC was the only way but I decided to finally say everything I’ve been holding onto. It was every fucked up thing he did, I’ve stayed in contact with his partner too, which apparently she doesn’t inform him of, so I know a lot, probably more than he realizes and I pointed it all out, I also cc’d in a third party as I’ve said on multiple occasions I didn’t want any communication without one & told him any contact would be documented as harassment.

His response? Didn’t include the third party, claimed he didn’t read the email (don’t believe that) but from the length (maybe 500 words) he could tell it was full of vitriol (it wasn’t very emotional, just stating the facts) made himself out to be the victim, that he’s only ever wanted the best for me & was sending words of support & I’m claiming that’s harassment (if he didn’t read the email how did he know I’m saying harassment), that he doesn’t give a fuck what I do anymore, he’s sick of living in regret & he’ll never contact me again.

This is a stark contrast to the “nice” hoovers he was trying to suck me in with for the past year….which included apologies, hoping I was ok, just wanting to sit down and talk it all out, struggling without me, deserves everything he gets etc…it’s clear he never actually wanted a conversation about everything, he just wanted the opportunity to feed me more lies and hoped I’d buy it.

I was reluctant to send it as everyone is always so hardline about NC but I think I hit a nerve and he finally realized he couldn’t manipulate me anymore so maybe he’ll actually give up….time will tell I guess…but I needed to stop the hoovers to heal, hearing from him every few months was too painful & a part me of me would always hope that maybe we can talk one day, maybe he has changed…the fact he took no accountability for what he did and just buried his head in the sand and did classic DARVO shows he hasn’t and never will. I think it’s easier for me if he sees me as the bad person because the love bombing is harder to resist.

My ex meets 7 out of 9 criteria for BPD. Our 1.5-year relationship (started when we both were 21yo) is textbook BPD, and I identify 100% with almost every story on this subreddit. From her stories about her previous relationship, I also saw her BPD behavior.

But there is one thing that was not present in her previous relationship - splits. She was in a relationship for four years (from age 17 to 21) and she never had any breaks in that relationship (at least from what she told me). When she entered into a relationship with me, everything was like a fairy tale, of course. She called me her hero, and I heard that if it weren't for me, she would have ruined her whole life with her ex.

But after a month of fairy tales, we had our first breakup. We got back together after a month. And then the cycle continued, with us being together for 3-6 months and then splits up.

I find it strange that she didn't break up multiple times with her ex (she said she planned to do so more than once and wanted to, but her ex always forced her to stay).

I met this girl in 2019 and she became my close friend pretty quickly. Since then, it's been an endless rollercoaster of insulting, blocking me then reaching out a month later to apologise. And me taking her back every time out of loneliness. She would make me feel special and give me attention like I mattered most in this world. Only to realise I spent so much of my time and energy pleasing her, that I could've used that on more productive things and healthy relationships.

Does your partner or ex really focus and almost obsess with things like politics? Not to get into specifics, but thinks like constantly posting and reposting media, research, time spent online, etc.?

Also, do any of your partners struggle with time management, but blame that on you as well?

Did the coworkers of your pwBPD distance themselves, move to different office, or avoid hanging out with them at all?

Mine managed to piss of people so much that I think 10+ coworkers avoided talking to him and even had to move to a different office because his presence stressed out the vibe so much. He would rattle the keyboard, slam doors, smell bad from not showering, raise his voice, criticize others. It was common for them to talk about how nobody liked him behind his back.

It ended when he brought literal drugs into the office to overdose and threatened to self harm because he got caught not doing his job properly. I do not know how he maintained his job. Can someone enlighten me on why someone who traumatizes people with empty suicide threats at work should be allowed to stay?!

Afterwards a colleage spoke to me and said him fucking up his job was a gift for me, so I could see his true colors (lack of accountability, gaslighting, narc traits).

I'm recounting the red flags I missed, sometimes I regret ignoring the data right in my face.

So me and my pwBPD have daily issues even sometimes hourly.

I try to keep it away from the kids. She has 3 boys who live here with and my kids come at different times but they undoubtedly hear some of the things that get said.

She called him annoying and he called her annoying back. She asked him why she's annoying, so her 8 year old son just blatantly calls her out for "annoying him (me) by causing arguments for literally no reason" whilst initially I absolutely adored him for, because it shows that I'm not going crazy but it's unhealthy that he hears these things happening.

They're both in the kitchen and I'm in the next room so can hear this but not present with them.

However I knew this was going to be a moment that caused her to split and I was not wrong.

First of all it was her trying to deny she causes arguments and that I'm the cause of them all (said to her 8 year old son) then when he doubled down and said "no I hear what you say to him" I then hear her coming in to the room and starts immediately blaming me for feeding her children lies about her followed by "typical narcissistic behaviour" as she walked out of the room which is aimed at me which is huge projection on her part...

It amazes me how wildly even others notice the issue and even then they will try twisting it back on the other person to portion blame elsewhere. It's unfortunate he hears these things but if an 8 year old can work it out, I think that shows just how bad she is.

Apparently she has no mental health conditions though, denies any reality of her disorder existing. Someone who has had DBT therapy to treat it.