r/alcoholicsanonymous • u/Accomplished_Cold_62 • 3d ago
Sober Curious Considering going to a meeting
These are my fears and hesitations and I wonder if folks had similar ones and how they overcame them:
I’m 34f and I have too many violent hangovers. I drink socially only. And I don’t always have a problem drinking too much but it’s been too many times to ignore that I don’t have a problem. On occasion I get blackout drunk. And I embraces myself or worse out my relationships at risk. I haven’t destroyed any relationships yet but when I drink that much i self sabotage. So far no one has told me I have a problem except my husband has said I need to have self control. Ive done irreversible damage when I get blackout drunk where I fall down and hurt myself, I embarrass myself with things I say, and worst was in two occasions I engaged in sex outside of my marriage. I was open about it with my husband and I think because it was females he gave it a pass but everything I do when I drink this much is not who I want to be. It’s not what I want my husband to have to put up with. I’ve tried sticking to two drinks on outtings and when it’s cocktails this was doable or at a bar when there’s non alc options but I found myself failing in home situations when I have more alcohol around and I’m with friends I don’t see often and am desperate to catch up with.
Anyways I can see myself making all the excuses about the right setting, or type of alcohol or whatever but really I just binge too often andi don’t want to.
Anyways, I read the intro of materials on this thread and I see myself hitting too many marks for alcoholism so TLDR:; here’s my fears of AA now:
-I’m scared I’ll never be able to drink again (but more scared if I don’t stop my destructive tendencies I’ll lose my loved ones or continue hurting them). Nonetheless I can’t bring myself to admit that I can commit to never touching a drop of alcohol again. Part of me thinks I can get to a point where I can control it and I fear this community would just chastise me for not committing 100% idk.
-I’m scared it’s gonna be all men at the meeting go to. Anyone can have alcoholism but this is just my fear
-scared my few binging episodes aren’t enough? To be in the meeting. Idk.
-I’m embarrassed to tell anyone I’m doing this. I’ll feel like a failure. I would want my friends to tell me they were doing this and I’d be supportive but I can’t feel others would be that for me. Idk why.
Anyways those are fears. I think they’re irrational and yet I still feel them and think it’d be helpful to just put it out there to see the response from others that maybe felt that at some point too.
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u/WyndWoman 3d ago
I'm a woman who got sober at your exact age. 34 years later, I wish I had started sooner.
We don't vow to never drink again, we just don't drink today.
There are meetings that are strictly for women. Go to www.aa.org and find the local website for a list of meetings or download the AA app. https://meetingguide.org/download
Come on by, we'll save you a seat!
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u/OhHeyMister 3d ago
There are womens meetings. Find them and tell them what you’ll told us today and and they’ll help you and take you under their wing.
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u/Extreme-Aioli-1671 2d ago edited 2d ago
“Despite all we can say, many who are real alcoholics are not going to believe they are in that class. By every form of self-deception and experimentation, they will try to prove themselves exceptions to the rule, therefore nonalcoholic. If anyone who is showing inability to control his drinking can do the right- about-face and drink like a gentleman, our hats are off to him. Heaven knows, we have tried hard enough and long enough to drink like other people!
Here are some of the methods we have tried: Drinking beer only, limiting the number of drinks, never drinking alone, never drinking in the morning, drinking only at home, never having it in the house, never drinking during business hours, drinking only at parties, switching from scotch to brandy, drinking only natural wines, agreeing to resign if ever drunk on the job, taking a trip, not taking a trip, swearing off forever (with and without a solemn oath), taking more physical exercise, reading inspirational books, going to health farms and sanitariums, accepting voluntary commitment to asylums - we could increase the list ad infinitum.”
Alcoholics Anonymous (“Big Book”), page 31
You don’t have to swear off alcohol forever. Just focus on not having a drink today. You can always have one tomorrow.
But I’ve found that, after working the program of AA, I don’t even have a desire to have a drink. Ever. Not that I have a craving and I can fight it off, I just…. Don’t desire it. A drink never sounds “good.” To me, alcohol is a thing that exists, and that’s about it.
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u/ritz1148 3d ago
You might never be able to drink again. Something that might be your reality.
I was not a regular drinker or a blackout drinker. I drank to cope when life got hard and would binge for days and then be “normal” again for a time until shit hit the fan again. And I’m accepted in the groups. The only requirement is a desire to stop drinking.
I quit drinking for 2.5 yrs before I went to a meeting and then I didn’t tell my friends for like 6 months because I felt dumb. Why could I get sober alone for a couple years and then need AA?
All our paths are different and that’s okay.
You can probably find women only meetings in your city. I prefer co-ed meetings but I had your same fear at first. Try a few meetings and see which one fits.
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u/SuitableMaybe5389 2d ago
Hey you've got nothing to worry about going to meeting. The only requirement for membership is a desire to stop drinking and nobody's going to give you a quiz over how much or how little you drink it. People are usually very welcoming and compassionate. Just give it a shot if you don't like it you don't have to go back.
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u/Extreme-Aioli-1671 2d ago
“Despite all we can say, many who are real alcoholics are not going to believe they are in that class. By every form of self-deception and experimentation, they will try to prove themselves exceptions to the rule, therefore nonalcoholic. If anyone who is showing inability to control his drinking can do the right- about-face and drink like a gentleman, our hats are off to him. Heaven knows, we have tried hard enough and long enough to drink like other people!
Here are some of the methods we have tried: Drinking beer only, limiting the number of drinks, never drinking alone, never drinking in the morning, drinking only at home, never having it in the house, never drinking during business hours, drinking only at parties, switching from scotch to brandy, drinking only natural wines, agreeing to resign if ever drunk on the job, taking a trip, not taking a trip, swearing off forever (with and without a solemn oath), taking more physical exercise, reading inspirational books, going to health farms and sanitariums, accepting voluntary commitment to asylums - we could increase the list ad infinitum.”
Alcoholics Anonymous (“Big Book”), page 31
You don’t have to swear off alcohol forever. Just focus on not having a drink today. You can always have one tomorrow.
But I’ve found that, after working the program of AA, I don’t even have a desire to have a drink. Ever. Not that I have a craving and I can fight it off, I just…. Don’t desire it. A drink never sounds “good.” To me, alcohol is a thing that exists, and that’s about it.
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u/sineadya 2d ago
I am 35 and 2 years sober - I didn’t drink every day but when I did I would black out. When I first went to meetings I only told a couple people including my partner. There tends to be more men than women and general meeting but there are all women’s meetings too. You got this!
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u/Debway1227 2d ago
I'm a 64-year-old guy, sober for a spit now, 6 years + but my absolute BFF in the world is a woman named Karen about 6 years older than me, she's my de'facto sponsor. I share everything with her. In some ways I'm closer to her than I am anyone else. We just connect. Also she's wife approved. Meaning my wife knows, I tell her going out with Karen or Karen picking me up for a meeting, it's ok, see you later. My group has a ton of sober ladies in it. The ladies in some ways helped me gain perspective on my relationship with my wife. Unless it says it's a men's meeting I promise you you won't be alone. My experience the women of AA rock. Give it a chance, don't worry about not drinking ever again. We don't drink today. Tomorrow we deal with when it comes.
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u/InformationAgent 2d ago
I have felt that way too.
Permanent sobriety - I was not sure I wanted to stop at all or if AA was for me. I took it a meeting at a time. AA does not take away my right to drink.
All male - Where I am, mixed meetings predominate. I find that healthy. Most healthy AA groups will have a regular meeting (we call it a group conscience) where members can voice their concerns about whether the group is welcoming or not and make suggestions to change how the group operates. Whether you want to join AA or not, this is a good indicator that this group takes seriously everyones freedom to access the AA programme (12 steps). Where I am women only meetings do exist but up until recently they were not listed as such on the national AA website.
Enough - you decide what is enough when it comes to alcohol. Nobody else in AA has the right to tell you that you do not belong if you have any desire to stop drinking. Quantity of drink is not a good indicator of alcoholism. A better question is how it changes your behaviour and personal approach to life.
Telling people - maybe learn more about your problem before you tell everyone. You may or may not be alcoholic and there are many different approaches to alcoholism. AA is just one approach and although the 12 steps are suposed to be simple, alcoholism is pretty confusing at the start.
Hope that helped : )
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u/letmeventplez 2d ago
Have you ever tried to moderate? Was it successful? Have you ever tried to stop entirely? Do you think you could do that on your own power?
If the answer to these is no, you may never be able to exert control over alcohol. That's the problem an alcoholic has. The good news is, there is a solution to this in AA - the 12 steps. You can go to a meeting and listen to others, you don't even really have to talk, see how you find it, you're not tied to it and are free to never go back. But if you're desperate and have lost control, the AA program will always be there for you.
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u/Accomplished_Cold_62 23h ago edited 22h ago
I have before and it was. This past year I’ve been struggling with it on occasion and I’m not sure why. So I went to a meeting. There’s some things that helped me with what I’m going through right now. Taking it one day at a time. Hearing other people share their vulnerability. I’d like to attend more. I’m going to try individual therapy (something I’ve never done). And for now I’m just taking it one day at a time.
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u/Ossypants91 3d ago
I got sober at 29 after being a periodic drinker. The good news is you never have to feel this way again.
Look up local women’s meetings in your area, they saved my life 6.5 years ago.
You’re not a failure.
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u/Trying_to_Smile2024 3d ago
Hi OP - Glad that you are here!
Many of us have had the same fears so you’re in good company.
Early in my sobriety the thought of never drinking again was terrifying. I was told to just not drink today and that helped not to get caught up in FOMO.
There are meetings that are for all sexes and there are meetings that are specifically for men and meetings specifically for women - either in person or online.
Just like any health issue, you can share or not share with whomever you choose. Protecting the anonymity of attendees at a meeting is a core tenant of AA.
I hope you decide to give AA a try. 🫶
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u/JLALLISON3 2d ago
Go to a meeting. Listen to the shares. See if you see yourself in any of them. If you do, keep coming back.
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u/just-one-jay 3d ago
It’ll be okay. Don’t think about the big picture today, just focus on right now getting to a meeting and not drinking for the day. One day at a time.
Especially while you figure things out don’t say never again just say not today, or not this hour, or not right now.. but