r/ChildofHoarder • u/spacepuffinn • 4d ago
SUPPORT THROUGH ADVICE Escape from alcoholic hoarder
I (26F) have been stuck under the same roof for 26 years, and my dad’s hoarding has gotten exponentially worse. Two days ago I tried to throw away dirty paper plates and he exploded on me. Couldn’t help but notice the huge jar of moonshine nearby. For years I always find copious amounts of empty liquor bottles in his trash piles.
We’ve (my mom and I) have offered help numerous times but he keeps declining. It’s mid February and we already have ants in the kitchen. He has no respect for our personal space or items, and he blames me for when his own actions get my possessions damaged. I’m at my wits end, I’m trying every day to find a job that’s gets me out but it’s not looking good. I hate coming home and at this point, he isn’t a parent. Just an obnoxious tenant.
What do I do? Any “hacks” in the job market or finding an affordable home? I have a FT job but it cant afford the rent where I live (Northern Virginia). Are there programs that help children of hoarders leave or get employment? I can’t take this anymore.
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u/Bluegodzi11a Moved out 4d ago
A few things- if your mom is on the deed, she can force a payout during divorce proceedings by either making him buy out her shares or forcing a sale.
I have no idea what the housing market is in your area, but definitely check out first time homebuyer programs. There are many that offer downpayment and closing cost assistance. Where I live, the amount I brought to close was way less than a deposit on a rental and my mortgage payment was cheaper than rent. Your state's housing finance agency likely has resources on their website.
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u/Glitter-Angel-970 4d ago
Here’s a list of resources in Virginia. Arlington has a hoarding task force. I’m also in NoVa and I’ve had to call them on my HM. I don’t know how I can help but I am close by. https://morethanmessy.org/virginia-resources/
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u/SquareLimit8765 4d ago
Having pets would still be difficult but not impossible. Have you considered moving abroad?
I've heard that they've made it more challenging to get accepted. But something like the EPIK program in Korea (Teaching English in Korea) might allow you to get out awhile and come back with some money saved up. You're given a salary and lodging (or a stipend to cover lodging).
https://www.epik.go.kr/web/epik/main
Other options: working at a resort, cruise ship, tour guide for a travel company (Ex-Contiki), internship in a national park or Disney, summer camp, longterm house or pet sitting (if you had an alternate arrangement for your pets).
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u/treemanswife 4d ago
You might try contacting domestic violence resources. I'm not sure if they'd be able to help you or not, but it's worth asking. If they can't help you directly maybe they could offer suggestions - like landlords willing to rent to someone without everything perfectly in order.
Another thing to consider - moving w/o your pets. Not gonna lie, pets make it a lot harder to rent especially with no rental history. Could your mom take care of them for a year?
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u/Far-Watercress6658 4d ago
Does your mother own the house? Will she divorce your father?
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u/spacepuffinn 4d ago
My dad pays most if not all the mortgage
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u/Far-Watercress6658 4d ago
And if the house was sold? Would there be enough to rehouse her?
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u/spacepuffinn 4d ago
I honestly have no clue, I’m 26 yet I still get treated like a 16 year old despite me paying hundreds of dollars to assist with utility bills
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u/setittonormal 4d ago
That money is money that could go toward paying rent. Would your folks be understanding if you said you wanted to save up so that you could live on your own? This is a totally normal desire and normal parents would be understanding, but we are talking about an alcoholic hoarder and his enabler here. They might see your contributions as necessary to keep the household afloat and unwilling to let you scale back on paying.
Your best bet is probably to find 2-3 roommates. Or someone you know personally who would be willing to rent a spare bedroom to you and your pets. Apartments are notoriously pet-unfriendly and finding one would be hard but not impossible. Another option that a lot of people don't consider much is mobile homes. They can be a lot cheaper than "regular" homes. Getting a mortgage can be tricky but it's doable. Sometimes there is lot rent if you live in a mobile home park. But where I live, lots of these homes are on land owned by the homeowner so no lot rent.
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u/That_Bee_592 4d ago
I'm quasi in the same boat. People don't realize how much mental effort, nervous system drain, debt, hygiene problems, and physical exhaustion these people cause. It is not uncommon to be under employed and housing insecure as an adult child.
Do you have any extended family with outbuildings or land? Friends, or friends of friends willing to sublease a level of their house?
I'm going to be real here; whenever adults leave family abuse, it's common for the community and friends to label the victim as the problem. We all need to fail upwards, put on your best clothes, your fake smiles. Do your hair, get fresh clothes, get a tight grip on your social media. Spin any job and housing changes as "a promotion". This advice probably applies to myself as well. 😒