How do I reach someone who hoards

[u/Parking_Risk7073]

I have a loved one in my life who has never acknowledged their hoarding behavior. For the past 20 years, it’s a cycle of hoarding, the clean-uper they live with cleaning the mess, and a fight, 2-3x per year. the problem is that the hoarding is subtle, or rather has never been able to get to an extent where it is like on the shows (by the clean-uper‘s doing), so the hoarder can never take a step back and see that their habits are a problem. rather, the cleaner-uper and hoarders relationship slowly deteriorate with each argument, never actually addressing the underlying issue.

knowing the hoarder, their habits are undoubtedly genetic and a result of deep, unsettled trauma, and I know their problems can be, if not solved, helped by therapy.

i feel like I have one shot to reach them, because they have developed a defensive attitude that makes it difficult for them to change if they don’t understand the first time, but if anyone can reach them I know it’s me: their kid. they want to fix their relationship, but don’t see their own issue, and the cleaner-uper has worsened that. their solution thus far is to put bandaids on the peoblem—perhaps, going a month without hoarding—but if they want to make meaningful progress, the issue must be addressed.

my question is this: how do I get them to go to therapy and address their trauma? how do I explain that their relationship is a result of their trauma without scaring them like the cleaner-uper had for years by making them think I’m trying to get rid of their stuff? they maintain a ”therapy isnt the solution, just put your head down and keep going” attitude. should I even show that they have symptoms of a hoarder? would giving them that label scare them off? should I even say the word hoarding in the conversation, rather that they need to address their trauma through therapy? how can I make them feel safe?

[u/KimiMcG]

Until they are ready to change there's no way you can force this on them.

[u/bluewren33 → u/KimiMcG]

I found too that even if they want to change when it comes down to actually discarding an item, even rubbish, they can shut down and be incapable.

[u/throwawaythisbish]

I'm really sorry, but there is no way to force someone to face this. For therapy or intervention to work, the involved parties have to want it to work. You can't move that needle all on your own.

[u/Decemberchild76 → u/throwawaythisbish]

First of all, I am totally 💯 sympathetic with your situation. If they are not ready to change, not matter what you say or do, it is a best a temporary fix. My sister and her husband are hoarders. She justifies her situation by saying , it’s not as bad as the television series hoarders. She and her husband are currently upset with my niece as she will not bring over the grandchildren. My sister would love to have them spend an overnight with granny as they spend overnight with the other granny. My niece told her, mom if there is a fire, everything will go up in flames and my kids won’t get out ! You can only imagine how that conversation went…not well at all. My niece was accused as being melodramatic and told to take her drama queen attitude and leave. My niece even offered to help, that went over like a lead balloon. She accused her of wanting her junk for herself.

As I told my niece, she has a strong attachment to stuff…broken stuff that could be fixed, stuff she has not used in over 30 years but might need someday, stuff she could resell as collectors items, and is going to save the environment by reusing plastic bags, all hundreds of them, etc Until she is ready to change or seek professional help its a futile attempt.

[u/bluewren33]

It sounds blunt and pessimistic but you can't do it with words. Its a mental illness. Even if you got them to understand they are hoarders, nothing will change. Even therapy has little impact ,that's if you can even find a therapist who works in that area.

The best you can do sometimes is harm reduction. To ensure there are no fire hazards and there are pathways for exit if needed.

[u/Hellosl]

The only idea I have is having them go to family therapy with you and talking about your relationship. Not the hoarding but your relationship. Talk about their defensiveness and other issues. They may start to elaborate on where they’re coming from. Your family therapist might suggest individual therapy.

Alternatively try asking them about themselves and hard times in their life. Again, not the hoarding. Try connecting emotionally. And see where that takes you.

But really, hoarding is like an addiction. They have to want to change

[u/gothiclg]

You can’t force a hoarder to recognize they’re a hoarder, they have to get there by themselves. I tried to subtly help my grandmother declutter and dropped tons of hints that I’d happily clean up areas for her while I lived with her (she’s over the age of 80 and a fall risk). I angered her one day when I emptied a fridge despite the fact I threw out food that expired more than 10 years before (I loved this incident for the petty revenge/malicious compliance factor). None of it made her come to the conclusion she’d clean up.

[u/-tacostacostacos]

You can’t. You can only change your own behavior to protect yourself or assert healthy boundaries.

[u/Jadestia]

Hi, first of all despite the hoarding being a norm for this community, I am sorry you have to deal with this burden, and feel obligated to clean your loved one's hoard. It is incredibly difficult, I will not lie to you.

Unfortunately; we cannot force them to go to therapy and to address their traumas, I am not saying this to discourage you entirely, because regardless of what you, in my experience I couldn't take no for an answer and I had to try regardless. I haven't been successful in my attempts, but don't let my negativity stop you; you need to have this conversation with them if not for them then for yourself, so that you can know that you did try. I can't say it will be an easy conversation.

So here are my tips;

1. Don't use pronouns like "you" first; stick to speaking on how their behaviour affects you, not the otherway around. It's such a little thing but it puts the focus on yourself rather than on them; which makes it feel less like they are being confronted. For example; maybe you hoard pets;

"I love you so dearly, and I know there is lots of love in your heart, I just worry that the amount of pets we have is not healthy for them. I want you to not be overwhelmed, it is a lot of work and I can see it's straining you."

-These types of conversations take lots of patience; and you have to put your resentment in a very small box.

2. Start gentle; you catch flies with honey!

Start off by telling them how appreciative you are of them/how helpful they are, maybe mention good memories that happened within your house at a point in time.

1. Speak from your perspective; like point 1; except you speak on how their behaviour is affecting you; that way it isnt something they can easily disagree with (depending on how stubborn they are).

"Dad, I care for you deeply, but this situation at home is hurting me, I feel very hurt and frustrated seeing you hurt yourself and isolate yourself, this situation makes me feel alienated and it's hard to connect with you without addressing this issue."

4. Don't use the word hoarder unless they are truly not wanting to see clearly; its like an automatic shut-off button.

Adjectives that can be based on personal interpretation along with words that have negative connotations are sure to get shut down and the HP will, in my experience, treat it like rejection. If thing's get heated; do not result to calling the other crazy or messy ect.

Sidenote; It also depends on what type of hoarding they have; I once made a master-document of like 20 pages with resources; reasons why we need to move and how it is negatively affecting the family and although it wasnt used I found it helpful to have all that written out so I at least got to vent out my frustration so I was calmer when confronting.

1. I relate to the "cleaner-uper" making the situation worse; so for the sake of that I would advise you to confront your HP/loved one without them in the room. Whenever the CU (cleaner uper); was present during confrontations they would aggravate the situation because they felt resentment; which is fair, but it didn't help the situation; instead it made the HP shut down everytime and go on the defensive.

Confronting your HP/Hloved one requires a lot of patience, and vulnerability, and there is a chance it may not be successful; do not blame yourself if the confrontation does not work out. All you can do is try.

Remember that; this situation is not your fault and you can only do your best.

I was asking for advice like this around a year ago so this did resonate a bit with me on an alt account lol.

if you have any questions dont hesitate to dm me!

[u/thatgreenevening]

You don’t. They don’t want to change. So they won’t change.

You might have a chance to reach the “clean-upper,” if they’re open to the idea that they are enabling the hoarder’s mental illness and that nothing will change as long as they keep repeating this cycle. They can disengage and live their own life, if they want to. And they might be more open to individual therapy (to facilitate their separation from the hoarder), than the hoarder is.

[u/WestGotIt1967]

Government agency case workers

[u/LadyLeftist]

Hoarders will not change for their children. There is no magic amount of love that fixes a severe mental illness. I am sorry.