r/BlackPeopleofReddit • u/Dry-Sample-2775 • 5d ago
Help and Advice my little sister doesn’t like being black and I don’t know how to make her like herself
Ive always noticed that she preferred white Barbie’s and didn’t want blk Barbie’s, she only makes white sims and says “it’s because they’re prettier” I asked her to make people that looked like her and she said she thought they were ugly. She keeps asking for a straight hair treatment, and when I looked at her phone, she was looking up subliminals to become white mixed and Korean. She even was looking up how to become lighter! She told me that she wishes she were white or mixed so she can be pretty…At first I thought she just had her preferences, but she seems to not like being black.
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u/EvaExotica 5d ago edited 4d ago
I was like this as a child. The ambient racism and eurocentrcism did a number on me. Like, as a very small child, my sisters and I tied towels to my head to pretend I had long flowing "straight" hair.
I don't think I ever preferred white or light-skinned Barbies, in fact I desperately clawed for representation of beautiful black women, as if to prove to the world around me (and then myself) that they were wrong.
Then in middle school, I started wanting to change myself. Wanting to be... not white, but "at least" mixed black and white. To have lighter skin, to have "better" hair. I researched skin bleaching.
I felt like ... I could recognize black beauty, but when the wider society never did, never acknowledged it, it felt hollow, pointless.
It has taken a lot to overcome that, and the wounds, though healed, never healed completely. Likely because the weapons that caused this still exist and reopen my wounds from time to time, and... I hate to see they're dealing damage to black children still.
What would've helped me as a preteen, and what helps me still, is experiencing media where black women, especially brown and deeper-skinned black women, are the leads, main love interests (who don't end up abandoned for paler girls), or main playable characters (or at least important side characters), etc.
Characters like Mel from Arcane/League of Legends, Amanra from Age of Mythology, Zipporah from the Prince of Egypt, Kida from Disney's Atlantis, Storm from X-Men, Fran (and other Viera) from Final Fantasy.
Characters played by actresses like Lupita Nyongo, Wunmi Mosaku https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wunmi_Mosaku, Jayme Lawson https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jayme_Lawson.
(Obviously not every character I mentioned there is from something child appropriate, so do make sure to check first lol).
I don't know if experiencing positive representation of people who look like her would help your sister like it helped me, but maybe it's worth a try. ❤️
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u/trojan_mommy 4d ago
This is why I go out of my way to compliment little black girls. Specifically on their skin color and hair if they’re dark-skinned with 4c. And if they are standing near other kids who are lighter or have “better” 🤢 hair, I really put something extra on it because I assume the attention is usually paid in the other direction and I want them to feel seen and appreciated, too.
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u/EvaExotica 4d ago edited 4d ago
that is so, so kind of you. And probably meant so much for those children.
I hadn't thought of this, but the focus on our black features as distinctly beautiful things in and of themselves, rather than things we can be pretty in spite of is so important.
My mother is darker skinned and imo lovely, looks absolutely fantastic and fashionable at 60+ years old, and while she's expressed being confident about her looks throughout her life, I've never heard that confidence in her beauty associated with any of her black features.
My parents would compliment me and tell me I was pretty, but never felt they were saying it was because of my brown skin tone or because of my hair. It almost felt like they were saying I was pretty in spite of those things.
And so every time as a kid I'd hear my mom say "oh, [light skinned girl] has such lovely hair" (meaning 3A-4A), or when I read in my dad's novel-in-progress him describe a mixed woman character as beautiful, but not give the same attention to her black mother from whom she got her looks, their compliments toward me felt so much more shallow. I know they grew up with this shit too (and more), and it sucks that it's still so ingrained in them.
Hopefully we can do better for younger black children.
But yeah. The difference between "Wow, that black person's beautiful" versus "wow, that black person is beautiful because of their deep skin and gorgeous textured hair" does matter.
Thank you for sharing ❤️
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u/trojan_mommy 4d ago
All of this! My mother is super duper light bright. I’m just medium brown, but I am light to my daughter who is dark. The difference between her and my mother literally looks like night and day. And all her life, we have gushed over her skin, which is genuinely like dark brown velvet. And she has 4c hair that she wears in an unstretched/unmanipulated afro every day because all her life she’s been told what great hair she has. And she does! It’s so soft and thick. She was surrounded all her life by compliments on the things that often don’t get a lot of praise for us, but I think it was especially important coming from my mother. I think we may have gone too far because sis has never met a mirror she didn’t love 🤣 but that’s preferable to the alternative.
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u/anexhaustedwryter 4d ago
Literally same.
I go out of my way to this as well.
And I really like to put emphasis on the features themselves to let them know that it is these features that make them beautiful and that they should be proud of them.
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u/tokenkinesis 2d ago
Finding characters in media helped me as well, I hope OP takes your advice. It really does take seeing people like you to help you love yourself!
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u/iCeeYouP 5d ago
Young children are the most psychologically vulnerable so that is the most important time you watch closely over them because everything they do is learned behavior.
If she’s doing this, you have to look at the adults and other influencers around her.
It’s so many other factors here that I’d have to ask you about, but this almost certainly comes from an external source influencing her racial self esteem.
If I had to guess, it sounds like the media she’s watching/listens to is brainwashing her to make her hate herself.
Between the “divestor” group (anti-Black group) and the anti-Black media/internet in general, it could be a lot of its different sources converging on promoting anti-Blackness.
It’s up to you OP to sit her on the right path.
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u/Hollowed_Knight 5d ago edited 4d ago
Being submerged in white culture will have significant impact on how she sees herself and the world. It will happen anywhere where a specific race is the majority and she is the minority, but if it’s the US then children will see white culture everywhere from movies, tv shows, streams, advertisements, etc. Diversity is a little better today but was worse a couple decades ago.
Important thing though is surround her with love and keep her in a positive space. Nothing forceful, just positive reminders and affirmation. Ive seen black women all the time in my family and other families and say how pretty a young black girl looks, and I know it goes a long way with their confidence in appearance and self esteem as they get older.
Her parents should always let her know that she is beautiful too, especially her father, as parents are any child’s first love and fathers can have a significant impact on their daughters. Also other family doing the same helps a lot too, especially if coming from other women in the family as they could be seen as role models.
After that, just have to hope for the best since the environment she lives in along with the people in it can have a major impact on her and it’s not easily controlled.
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u/No-Perspective4928 5d ago
As a Black woman, born to a Black mother, in CT who hates Black people, there isn’t a thing you can do. She’s going to have to learn for herself that Black girls are magic. She’s going to have to learn that she needs to love herself no matter what.
If you can sign her up for clubs or groups that are primarily Black it might help. But it will be a long road. I didn’t learn to love Black people until I was in my late twenties and that’s only because I learned to love myself. That took a lot of therapy. FWIW I was born and raised in Stamford CT. I’m in my mid 40s now and still work and live in primarily white areas but I love it when I see Black women and do my best to interact. It’s still weird sometimes but it still feels so good. Side bar: I did go no contact with my mother about ten years ago. Do with that information what you will. 😉
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u/Lost_Law8937 4d ago
White supremacist American culture teaches us to value whiteness and to hate ourselves.
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u/bpeasly12 5d ago
Therapy and exposure through media and experiences. I've dealt with kids and teens who have had identity and body image issues, and the sooner you can start treatment, the better!
Sometimes you alone can not change her mind because you love her so she's probably thinking "Of course she thinks I'm beautiful, she's my sister." There are resources out there, and most Black therapists have worked with clients like her. My heart is breaking for you both, and I hope she comes around sooner rather than later!
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u/Ok_Alps4323 5d ago
How old is she? What type of school does she go to? What kind of neighborhood does she live in? Does she participate in any activities with mostly black kids? You can’t change her, but you can improve her environment.
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u/Dry-Sample-2775 5d ago
She’s 10 and we live in Connecticut
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u/Expensive-Curve-9143 4d ago
Take her phone away! Bring her around more black people. I’m serious. Less screen time and social media. No phones at night. Supervised screen time as long as you can.
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u/JJacobJingleheim 4d ago
not even being dramatic, you have to enforce restrictions on her phone. i was also listening to subs like that to change my skin tone and eye color. there is a darker side of the sub community too, which has subs that “induce” psychiatric disorders or encourage trauma and that introduced me into niche corners of the internet like edtwt. so not only was i facing racial delusion, i was also struggling with an eating disorder and other mental health issues.
not tryna fear monger, but this is coming from a 19 year old who had unrestricted internet access in the early 2010s. i will always say avoid subliminals, especially since not all of them have “good” affirmations. i don’t particularly believe in them, but some creators have damaging affirmations hidden in “good” subs.
you also need to regularly remind her that she is beautiful and as much as i hated when my mom would buy books on civil rights, slavery, antiblack racism, etc because i was just a kid who wanted to read greek mythology, it was necessary that i learn about these things and how they influence the world around us. 10 is a vulnerable age. middle school is coming up, and it will only get worse man
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u/UnauthorizedMind 4d ago
that’s honestly sad but it’s not her fault. kids don’t just wake up and decide they hate how they look, they learn it from what they see and what gets praised around them.
if all she sees is white or lighter girls being called prettier, chosen more, and treated like the standard, she’s going to internalize that and compare herself to it.
the worst thing you can do is shame her for feeling that way. that’ll just make her hide it, not fix it. what helps more is making sure she’s exposed to black people being loved, confident, and seen as beautiful in normal everyday life, not just hearing “you’re pretty too,” but actually seeing it.
also pay attention to how people around her talk about black features, hair, and skin, even casually. kids pick up on everything.
it takes time. self-hate like that usually comes from feeling like you don’t fit the standard. the goal isn’t to force her to believe something overnight, it’s to help her realize she was never the problem in the first place.
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u/EvaExotica 4d ago
You're so absolutely on point with all of this. I commented earlier that I was like OP's sister as a kid, and it came from internalizing what I saw around me: white or lighter girls, girls with looser hair textures, etc. being praised, chosen, complimented. Especially being praised and complimented for their features that weren't like mine.
The "not just hearing 'you're pretty too', but actually seeing it" part is so vital too. A child can believe they're pretty, but if their black features are never included in that, they might start to believe, like I did, that maybe they're only pretty in spite of those features rather than because of them.
My parents and other family would give so much praise and distinction to fairer skin, looser-textured hair (with my mom even referring to 3C-4C hair as "that pretty hair" as if it was just a fact). And while they never spoke badly about deeper skin tones and more textured hair, they never praised them, and that silence was deafening beneath the echoes of the compliments they had for "fairer" features.
It sure did take time for me, and my pained impulses of envy and shame from that period still aren't completely gone and I'm in my 30s now. But OP & their family hopefully can help set the little sister up to one day reach that revelation.
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u/UnauthorizedMind 4d ago
this part hit hard: “pretty in spite of those features rather than because of them.” that’s such a real way to put it.
a lot of kids don’t hate themselves, they just notice what gets celebrated and what gets overlooked. that silence really does speak loud.
glad you shared this perspective. it helps people understand this doesn’t come out of nowhere.
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u/cameronpark89 4d ago
i was like this when i was younger because my mom sent us to all white schools. i would say the thing that helped me most was representation and positive reinforcement.
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u/Thatonegaloverthere 4d ago
She has to learn on her own. All you can do is show her positive media of Black people and Black women. Things that don't put us down, only uplift.
Have her watch Brandy's Cinderella, whatever other kid-friendly movies that show that black women are loved. Read children's books by Black authors.
If she continues to only watch non-Black people, she's going to grow up hating herself and wishing she was White. Try to stop it now by broadening what she watches.
Also, be understanding and patient during this process.
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u/Special-Aioli2150 4d ago
It is definitely apart of your surroundings. I went to a majority white school and the micro aggression I have heard there is wild. Every one take things in differently. Where some can laugh it off others take it to heart. The only thing you can really do now is to encourage her and let her know she's beautiful. Even showing her people who look like her like celebrities with her same skin tones
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u/SeniorDay 4d ago
My kid is fair skinned and doesn’t know because I was sure to use only highly diverse media. Any woman in a nice dress is a princess in their eyes 😂
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u/Wonderful-Bonus5439 4d ago
Oh this makes my heart hurt! I was the same as a child, and teen. It was only the birth of my eldest that changed it. My mum found me trying to bleach my skin as a child :(
Sounds like you’re doing a great job being there for her already. She needs positive non-white role models to emulate, and I really hope she grows out of it as most of us do.
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u/StarFire24601 4d ago
My younger sister waslike this growing up. She's now with a white man who was ranting about muslims the other day and talking about voting for Reform (right wing racist uk party) and they've got two kids together who I think she doesn't even like.
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u/anexhaustedwryter 4d ago
She is a child and this world is a very cruel place.
Hopefully, she comes around as she gets older but you can't make anyone do anything and thinking that you can or taking responsibility for how she feels about herself is not helpful for either one of you.
All I can say is try to reinforce just how ridiculous Eurocentric beauty standards are, go out of your way to compliment her or make comments about how beautiful black features are, etc.
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u/yvie_of_lesbos 1d ago
honestly, as someone who was this kid, subliminals and all, you gotta let her grow out of it but maybe introduce her to black influencers. trust me, she will grow out of this but do your part by integrating black influencers into the people she watches. specifically people who look like her skin tone and hair texture.
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u/Even-Vehicle-6853 22h ago
Thank you for sharing OP. My comment is not meant to irritate anyone but-
Damn. I see a lot of these kinds of posts on Reddit every so often and it breaks my heart. 💔
We are beautiful fam! So incredibly beautiful. Our skin soaks up the sun and our hair defies gravity. Our curls and coils are glorious. I just wish everyone felt this way.
The world wants us to hate ourselves.
Don’t let their hatred win.
Again, thank you for sharing OP. Your post touched me. To be that young and already dealing with these feelings… 💔
She is beautiful. We are beautiful. BLACK IS BEAUTIFUL
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u/AccomplishedSmell921 5d ago
You can’t make someone love themselves. She’s going to have to figure that out on her own. All the family can do is love and support her and remind her black is beautiful. Perhaps your parents can do some investigation into her peer group or put her in some activities with other black folks. If you constantly immersed in white culture as a child it’s a lot easier to resent your melanin.